Valentines Day!

Almost Valentines Day and the shops are filled with hearts, cards with overpriced chocolates and flowers.  Restaurants are smiling as they get to charge extra and can expect increased bookings as couples head out for a night of romance. Pretty much everything red, pink or has a heart on it can expect an increase of profit.  This one day of the year, males feel obliged to show their love in romancing their other halves by purchasing the above gifts, all wonderfully presented to you by the power of consumerism.  This year though, we have the release of '50 shades of Grey' in the cinema, so instead of being just about romance, it can now be all about sex too - who's having the best sex and what can be purchased in order to help facilitate it.  This year there seems to be an increase in the amount of sex cards for Valentines.  I was shocked when I went into card factory and saw that display.  I will not be purchasing a 'you make me so wet' card for my husband - its not that I don't want to have sex with my husband, I just don't want that conversation with my children or have that displayed on the side in my house for any guests/family that may visit!  Apparently even B&Q/DIY stores are prepping their staff in the sales of cable ties and duct tape as the new romantic gift and are looking forward to welcoming in 'the 50 shades inspired' customers.

 

Whilst I may come across as cynical or you maybe thinking 'oh her husband doesn't get her a card' I actually like Valentines day.  I am happy to have any excuse to show my husband and children that I love them! Last year, I gave each of my boys a little poem and chocolates and my husband a card and gift too.  I want our children to see that we love each other and them too.  I am equally delighted when I receive flowers, chocolates, well any gifts of affection.  I appreciate the thought and the time that goes into it.  I include my children in Valentines day as to me it is about love.  If Valentines day is about sex/romance for you, then I can understand that it may seem weird to include your children.  This is the perception I used to have but as I get older, I learn more about love.  I want them to feel loved and know how treasured they are in a non sexual way - that they do not need a girlfriend in order to experience love or be loved.  I want them to see their dad love me and vice versa, in a romantic, treasured way throughout our marriage.  I would hate for them to think of love as just sex and that romance is just for new relationships. Who knows, in a few years time maybe one of them will blog about their mum being weird and getting them valentines stuff!

 

It is important to love one another everyday, however I don't always show it in the big gestures.  I get caught up in the everyday and I show my love for them in the little things (they may not always see it) but this is the love that counts - the building blocks.  I am there for them, I 'do' for them, I am there for the happy, sad, telling off, joyful, the mundane times.  I don't spontaneously buy/do love gifts for them on a day to day basis (gifts are not my love language).  Therefore, I find it easier to be purposeful (ie bigger gestures) on set days ie Valentines or anniversaries.  So whilst I have heard and no doubt will see status about how consumerist/empty it all is, that we shouldn't be told to be romantic/love as then it is meaningless, actually sometimes I need this and I am not ashamed to admit it.  It does not mean I don't love them or that I will be buying all the stuff but it does mean I will be taking some time out to think about the ones I love, what their love language is and how I can show them I love them this weekend. 

This year, I am planning on keeping it simple, as have not been too well recently.  For the boys, I will give them each a piece of scripture, just for them with an affirming note along with some chocolate (if you have met my boys, you know that they always appreciate food) and for my husband, a card, put the kids to bed early, a relaxed dinner for us with a nice bottle of wine...

Happy Valentines!! xxx

Now the children are all at school...

So all 4 children have started school, I should have loads of time now to get on and pursue the things I have wanted to do... well this is what I thought, but it turns out, that's not the case.

I thought when all the boys started school I would have some time to get on with my projects, write regular blog posts, do running/look after myself, start hobbies, be up to date with all the house work, bible studies, reading, have time for myself and be able to give more to others.  In reality this didn't work out as I thought - infact that is quite a list when I jot it all down.  Seasoned mothers would tell me to enjoy this time, take time for yourself and read a book or two - I agreed and thought that this is what I would do.  For the past 11 years I have been in full force of growing, caring, raising and prioritising babies/small children, learning about their disabilities, parenting on a different journey, as well as, being their advocate.  I wanted to use the first term of adjusting to this new season. I didn't want to take on any new commitments but have time to consider before I leapt.  However, life has been quite busy and I have just been so swept up in it all, that this time to consider just hasn't happened. 

It is like I forgot all about the fact that I am a mother to 4 children - 3 of whom have special/additional needs and at times very challenging needs. I forgot how much time the school run/picks up took (4 in 3 different places), how much time I spend preparing and attending appointments for their needs, looking after the home on a day to day basis (let alone think about a full spring clean) and how much energy I needed at the end of the day for when they all came home.  I was under an illusion that I would have all this free time with L at school. That suddenly this new chapter meant that all the other things would disappear and I would be trying to work out what to do for 6 hours a day!  Don't get me wrong, it is much easier to do all these things without also entertaining or organising a sitter for a little one.  My perception when they were all at school, is that life would be easier and in some ways it is. However, I would describe it like a conveyer belt - as soon as one thing is mastered it falls off the end and something new emerges... For example, when they are younger, they may move from walking to running, then its time to tackle toilet training (in our house it appears obedience seems to stick to the belt so we often have to re-tackle this issue...) It is mainly physical when they are younger and as they get older it becomes more emotional ,which is draining in a completely different way. As my children have gotten older they are more independent but due to disabilities/needs, they are behind their peers in a few areas and need extra help in doing the ordinary, that others don't see - so we still have a fair amount of physical alongside the emotional.

I know that there are people who have just as many children, with perhaps just as many needs - who perhaps also work but I think it comes down to your capacity of what you can handle and the courage to accept it.  I need to have flexibility to go to and prepare for appointments and meetings.  I need flexibility to manage my time so if we are having draining episodes I have some down time to recover - being a carer can be tough.  I need energy to manage the school pick ups (which are not always very straightforward), energy for after school to be able to help them organise themselves for tomorrow, do reading/homework, afterschool clubs (which they need to help them develop/build up muscles), follow sensory diets/programs, make dinner and manage a conversation or 2 for when my husband comes home! I also need my house to be tidy, otherwise I can't cope. I (reluctantly) need to do exercise each week or my mental health suffers.  I think because my list of 'have to do's' can be quite large, I don't have time to do all that I had hoped this season would bring. I lost my way in appreciating the fact I now have the time to do the 'have to do's' without rushing through or stressing.
 

Basically, I just put too much pressure on myself to achieve everything and be a super woman/wife/mother in this new season without even realising it.  I like and long for everything to be perfect and in my life - it hasn't been - Life did not go to 'My Plan'. I think on some levels, I thought now was finally that time to achieve it all.  In the back of my mind I think I stored up phrases such as 'when they are all at school I will be able to do ---' and expected to complete all of them in that first term.  Whilst I was able to do some of the things I wanted to do, I didn't enjoy it as I was thinking about everything else that I also wanted to do and hadn't achieved.  As I have been raising little ones for the past 11 years, I built up quite a list!  This perfection trap is something I so easily fall into time again but life isn't perfect, its actually quite messy.  I hadn't even realised that is where I was, until the New Year and was feeling fed up.  I knew I had some important meetings coming up but I needed to release the pressure I had put on myself - so time to restock, learn the lessons and move forward.  The best way to do this, is time in prayer and reading Gods word.  I am a 'planner' and enjoy achieving things and checking off lists but I think this season I need to just be still and let God guide me through, enjoy the moments of calm and find my new rhythm.

So if you are wondering what life is like for me with all 4 at school - its pretty much the same, I just don't have my little companion with me (whom I miss) and therefore I can spend a bit more time doing what I was doing before, to help our family life run a little smoother...

 

Feeling Treasured

New Year, new post and yes it has been a while since my last post...

 

I have written before about how we celebrate different occasions and thought I would write about how we do the 'grown up' birthdays!

 

The grown ups (being Jon and I) birthdays are just before and just after Christmas.  We have always put in lots of effort for the children's birthdays.  I find it quite easy to be thoughtful and creative for them. Its easier to find a theme and plan parties, buying toys (which are packaged in large boxes) somehow feels more satisfying.  Its exciting to feed off their energy as they look forward to 'their' day. I love being a mother and enjoy marking the occasion of when it all began.  Also that feeling of pride - yes we've parented through another year! I am noticing this gets a bit harder as they get older, as their desires become less but more expensive. 

 

I am not really sure when it happened but as I became older and more children arrived birthdays became less special.  When I was younger, I really looked forward to my birthday with anticipation and excitement.  My parents did a great job at making us feel special.  We were not spoilt with lavish gifts but it was the 'feeling' that I loved and wanted to pass onto my children. 

 

I liked having a winter birthday. It meant I always had money to go out in the sales and if I wished for snow to fall, it sometimes did! As I got a bit older it became a bit more painful as no one wanted to go out (as it's the week after New Years) and no one had any money (again the week after New Years and it was just Christmas).  Then somewhere along motherhood it became put on the side.  I became a bit frustrated with the effort I would put in for them and my own would be forgotten, to the point where I didn't really look forward to it anymore as I would find it disappointing.  I appreciate that this may sound really selfish and no, I don't give to receive but it got to this point. I would receive gifts but it felt like duty, there would be birthday cake (or I would have to go out and get it under the guise of well you can choose the one you want), we may have even gone out but it felt like something we had to get through rather than an expression of love.  I felt un-treasured and taken for granted by my family, whom I love with all my heart. 

 

I wondered what message this sent to our children - did I want my sons to learn that this is how you treat your wife, that when you became older you didn't matter anymore and you just go through the motions to appease others? that birthdays are only for children? If that was it, I would rather just have my birthday in private, as it felt like everything I was trying to achieve in expressing love to my children on the day they were born was being wiped out by the way we chose to celebrate as adults.  Jon and I had a 'discussion' and decided we would raise our game at each others birthdays.  I have to say the last couple of years Jon and the boys have done amazingly well at making me feel treasured on my birthday and I hope Jon would say the same.

 

Jons birthday is in December and I set about a plan to bless him, spent time thinking about what would make him happy an what he would appreciate.  He would always talk about how we wanted the decorations up after his birthday.  I always want to put them up 1st December but this year I thought I would give him what he wanted - after doing this, it turns out he actually does like them up before but we would agree not to discuss or do anything Christmassy on his birthday.   I made him a chocolate birthday cake, bought him some presents and the boys made him cards.  The kids went to school and we had a day together! (Jon took a day holiday) It was great to have some grown up time together. We all celebrated together in the evening with a take away.  It was a chilled out relaxing day - just what Jon loves.  At the weekend we went out to a restaurant and celebrated with family members.

 

For my birthday, it was Sunday and I was on worship team so it meant I had to be up and out the door early, so Jon had prepared a special breakfast for me on Saturday (I love breakfast and he prepared waffles with fresh fruit - my favourite).  After church Jon and the boys had turned the dining room into a restaurant KFDs.  N was my waiter and they had made menu cards. Jon can't cook so it was chicken pieces from the hot counter at Waitrose with crisps and chocolate bites/rocky road pieces from M&S for afters.  The waiter took my order via his remote control car and it was fun.  It was really special as they all got involved and played a part. I received presents and cards, a cake (also from Waitrose) and he had organised a sitter in the evening so we went out to Yo Sushi for dinner.  I really like sushi and really appreciated all their efforts. I felt treasured and it was good to see my family working together whilst having fun with it.  I hope these memories stay with them and that they will build on them when they have their families. So that's how we do the grown up birthdays!

Summer, Autism and Westpoint!

I am so thankful to have had my husband off for 3 weeks of the summer holidays.  We have spent 2 of our weeks off, going on lots of day trips and making memories as a family together. It has flown by and its been so nice re-connecting together. 

 

Our last week together, we went to Westpoint, camping with our church family, as our holiday.    To someone who is not used to this, I would describe it like a festival, just under 4000 people gathering but with Jesus at the centre! There is lots going on to cater for a wide range of people and interests.  Morning and evening meetings with great teaching (you can select what you are interested in through the seminars) and worship times (big bands performing rock Christian songs).  The children are well catered for in their groups which are separated into age ranges, including a youth program as well as a special needs group (the ark).  The afternoons were filled with even more activities ie nature walks, street dancing, cooking etc or sports events or you could peruse the many stalls, inflatable parks or just chill out with friends. Our church catered for us, so we all ate together and for me it was a really nice break from cooking.  My husband has many talents but cooking is not one them. I have come back feeling really refreshed and ready to embrace the start of the next season. I can't believe I feel this way after being camping! I would say this is all down to God answering our prayers that Westpoint would be successful for us.

 

The last time we went to Westpoint was 2012 and it was a negative experience for us, so I was really nervous going back again. In fact just going on holiday for us is really hard.  My son really does not like the change in routines, so our last family holiday (also in 2012) was really negative and we haven't been away (just us) since. Last year, we went away for a couple of days at a theme park with my parents and my sister and her family and we enjoyed that so we are slowly healing from the 2012 experience and decided we would try Westpoint again.  I am also the type of character that doesn't like to be defeated so I wanted to go back and face it. Lots of prayers prayed :)

 

How we did each day - We didn't sign up to every organised event or try to attend every meeting.  If we had approached it this way I think we would have been frustrated with one another and perhaps been overwhelmed by it all.  We took a flexible approach to each day and it worked well for us.  I had 2 children attend the ark and they both loved it. Admittedly, one of them bolted over the fence as soon as I left the tent but the staff worked with him, there was no big panic (not on the outside of their faces) and all was well.  That was the first and last time he did that, as he enjoyed it so much.  That in itself, is quite an achievement for him.  My other child didn't want to leave all the sensory equipment and really enjoyed hanging off the big bouncy equipment.

 

The afternoons we kept flexible too.  My boys really enjoyed playing nerf gun wars or football with the other boys from our church. We did some scheduled activities but they also really liked meeting up with their old friends from our previous church. 

 

The evenings, we attended the worship together then would get the younger boys to bed.  The older boys could stay up a bit later and enjoyed playing uno/card games with their friends.  There was evening groups for the older children but by that point in the day my older ones were not up for that.  Once they were in bed, we chatted with friends.  The meetings I went too, I really appreciated.  The teaching was really good and inspiring. I found the evening meetings didn't work too well for me as I was too tired to concentrate but I really enjoyed the morning bible sessions and a choice of seminar or extra worship. I was really blessed by this. Doing less meetings helped me to focus on the messages I did hear.

 

I loved seeing the boys make their own entertainment and no minecraft/electronic games were played! I loved listening to my little boys in their sleeping pod discussing their day and what they had enjoyed, snuggling up to one another.  It wasn't all perfect happy families, but we expected that and would have either quiet time in our tent or take a child off for some space.  At the end of Westpoint the kids (and us) are really looking forward to going again next year!

Summer, Autism and The Zone!

2 years ago I wrote about our summer and how having an autistic child effected us.  When I look back it was a very hard time for us.  What I wrote at that time, touched upon our lives to give a flavour but I held a lot back.  It was hard (emotionally and physically draining) - there is no other way to put it. This is because we were still new to autism, accepting the diagnosis and were unsupported.  Its not that our friends or family at that time didn't care, its just there was not a lot people could do to actually help.  I didn't know of any other parents that I could talk to about raising a child with autism.  Whilst some friends knew or met someone with autism, it is not the same as raising a child as each and every person with autism is very unique.  I was still getting over the stereo typical image of autism myself and understanding what the diagnosis meant for us.  There were not any support groups or activities, we were left to get on with it. The one disability play scheme in our old area, expelled us. There was a support group for families with disabled children but it was catered for children with more obvious disabilities and it was hard to fit in when your child's disability is hidden, meaning he looks like a typical child.  All in all, it was very isolating. I didn't declare all the things we went through in our day to day but if people asked I would tell them.  I guess at the time I was fearful at what our future held and that it would put others off from us, therefore isolating us further. A lot of time and energy went into appearing 'normal'.

 

Whilst Farnborough may not appear to offer anything compared to Poole and Bournemouth, there is actually a lot here to do for us as a family.  Farnborough may not have the beach or the shops or the nightlife but what they do offer is accessibility.  When we first moved we attended the National Autistic Society (NAS) Farnborough Branch, it is now a charity in its own right called 'The Zone' This has been a haven for us.  There are weekly afterschool clubs and a club that runs every other Saturday.  At these clubs there is the chance to socialise (as much as ASD children do) with lots of laptops (minecraft), latest consoles, handheld gaming, crafts and toys.  In the summer sessions, they also have bouncy castle, outdoor toys and go carts.  Oh and I mustn't forget the biscuits, as my kids love them.  It is also a chance to talk to other parents who are experiencing the same things as you and makes you realise how 'un-alone' we are.  Its a place to feel 'normal' when family life seems very un-normal compared to everyone else or how we expected it to be.  There is no judgement when meltdowns and wobbles occur, special interests are welcomed too. 

 

During the holidays there are activities scheduled both 'in' and 'out' of The Zone.  My sons really look forward to this and it is for the whole family to access.  When we were going through the diagnosis I would have loved to attended a group like this, it would have helped us so much.  As my son didn't fit my perceived image of autism it led to lots of confusion.  The day out trips are lots of fun.  My children loved the London Zoo day out, Thames Valley Playground, bowling, donutting, laser quest - lots of things I wouldn't even of been able to dream about doing without lots of support or personally hiring out the venue exclusively.  There is a fortnightly coffee morning to help with the mountain of paperwork, a sensory and book library.  It is a great support and as the children get older there is the Teen Zone.  I am also thankful for their Facebook page, a chance to talk and air grievances in a closed setting. Its also a great chance to find out about different things going on in the area and where to go to get support on different issues.

 

Hampshire also offers Shorbreaks, Gateway card which funds 1 to 1 support in mainstream activities, which we have also used.  This has had mixed results.  They also give funding to groups like The Zone.  This is why I shared the petition to stop the cuts to Shortbreaks funding as it helps us as a family do things that other families would take for granted. 

There are specific disability play scheme offers too.  My son is currently using Rushmoor and East Hants Kids scheme, for ages 8+ and has really enjoyed the days out (once we finally manage to get him on the bus).  We also go to the monthly swimming fun sessions with Disability Challengers.  Our children really enjoy this and its a great chance to just have fun together as a family. 

We have also been to the Lions fun-fest fun day which is for families with disabled children.  This is held yearly but my children have loved all the fun games and rides.  We have also done craft activities for families with disabled children organised by PAGS.

So whilst I do miss the beautiful beaches and our lovely friends from Bournemouth and Poole, there is plenty to keep us busy here!

 

3 weeks done!

So far the summer holidays have been flying by! We are over the half way mark. Some days have gone to plan others not so... lots of fun and memories made.

Here are a few photo's of what we have been up to...

Summer, Autism and Schedules!

Well the summer holidays have truly begun.  Whilst many parents are looking forward to unwinding, having later starts, no more pack lunches or homework worries, looking forward to going out and doing activities with their children, our life may look a little different...

 

B has completed his first year at Thames Valley School.  He has really enjoyed it, him attending this school has made a massive improvement on his behaviour and positively impacted the rest of the family's wellbeing, plus he has made a good friend.  I am so thankful for this! The downside to this is that he was NOT happy about school finishing for the holidays. B needs routine and structure. He needs to know what to expect and when to expect it each day.  I know lots of parents may say well every child needs this and to a certain degree, yes they do. It is different for B.  His ASD means he does not have the social imagination to be able to put together how his day will be, what is going to happen and what he needs to do and this makes him very anxious.  He has social communication difficulties which means he cannot (at this point) put any of his anxious feelings into words.  When highly stressed and anxious, he shuts down his communication and this includes him listening to reasoning or consequences. This anxiety and inability to understand this communication can lead to him lashing out/meltdown.

 

There is no cure or medication which will make it all better.  That does not mean we or B are 'doomed' it means we have to teach him in a different way and it is NOT a quick lesson or a simple explanation that fixes it.  After attending an 'Earlybird plus' course, we learnt a lot about autism including how to empathise and see things from a different perspective, visuals - they were really big on this!, communications and different strategies. As B was diagnosed later at 7 years old, I knew lots of the common parenting strategies did not work for him, infact we tried so many, read so many books and we sometimes ended up further behind then in front! I knew we needed to try something different so we went for it. 

 

At first he hated the visuals, and I mean hate, however we remained consistent and he accepted them.  We learnt through trial and error what was and wasn't acceptable to him.  He does not like to stand out as being different so his visuals need to blend in and be appropriate to his intelligence level which is high. Children with ASD are visual learners so a visual sequence of what is happening or expected, is what I mean by visuals.  Our early ones look quite professional, all Velcro and laminated (this is so when he throws them as he didn't like what he had to do, we can easily rescue it) now they are hand written and colour coded, as he can read and interpret written information easily.  When we first started they caused lots of meltdowns and I wondered if it was worth all the effort but now he reads them through and accepts them! (waiver: most of the time) A massive step forward and it proved to us, that they do work but it takes time and consistency. He doesn't refer to them often as he has quite a photographic memory and he probably still hates them deep down but has come to acceptance.

 

Anyway, so before summer fun can begin B needs to know what to expect and when to expect it to keep his anxieties at bay.  Our morning and bedtime routine visuals do not change, we keep this at a constant always.  We then have a daily chart of all the things that will 'definitely' happen each day and those in a different colour happens 'most days' but not all, for example if we are out on a day trip - he will get lunch (a definite) but he may not have computer time (most days).  He does accept this as he has had advanced warning to process and accept the change, we can't just spring changes on him and expect him to accept it.  We then put up a weekly schedule, so he knows what the planned activities are for the week - this is kept simple and one week at a time.  As a family, we use reward charts to train our children and this chart is up so he knows what is expected of him and finally we have set personal challenges for our children to aim for during the holidays.  They like a goal to work towards and find it fun to have a challenge.  This does not mean we will have a meltdown free summer but it will certainly help. 

 

On top of this, B also has a sensory diet to follow which is an activity every 2 hours, to help him so he does not sensory overload which also causes meltdowns... B also doesn't understand 'relax, just go play' He doesn't do play, he ends up fighting with his brothers or mucking up their games as his social imagination is not there.  It has improved but his social interaction skills, especially in play, are not.  Unless he is watching TV or on the computer, he really doesn't know what to do with himself and this is stressful for him. If I tell him 'go make a junk model' He will need me to sit with him whilst he does it.  If I want him to do something other than the TV or computer I need to help him do this.  If I am lucky, he gets into it and I can sneak away.  In our house we have a 30minute computer time rule - each child has 30minutes play only.  With that in mind I also have a list of projects based on B's interests to keep him occupied during the at home days or downtimes after an activity.

 

Whilst I do really enjoy organising things I personally hate having every part of my life planned out.  I prefer to be spontaneous, to wake up and go with how I feel but B is the complete opposite and I have had to accept that this is what he NEEDS to cope with the day and ultimately I want the best for him - not just meet his basic needs.  It is hard and it is exhausting. I have booked him onto a couple of play scheme days to have a break (although that comes with another set of issues which I will explain another time) and he needs time to adjust to 'new' people so meeting up with others can be tricky too. As I said before, all of this doesn't guarantee a meltdown free summer but does help us as parents feel more in control.  Thankfully my gorgeous husband is off for 3 of the 6 weeks to keep me sane.  So to us the holidays are not really about unwinding lazy carefree days (as much as I wish it were) but structure and scheduling! We will have fun in our way, we will create happy or at times just 'create memories' for our family.  Whilst my son may seem high functioning and even normal to the passer by or acquaintance, a lot of preparation and hard work goes into this behind the scenes. 

 

I will try and post some more during the holidays of what we get up to!

 

Happy holidays!!!