The support group was held at a church. They also ran a toddler group and I decided - 'great I'll go there too'. I found being at home just led me down to dark thoughts and being with others meant I couldn't dwell in them.
At the toddler group I met Christians, but I didn't know it at the time. At the support group I met someone who was at my prenatal groups. I remember thinking 'why is she having a baby, she just seems so worried about everything especially getting her bathroom done'. At the support group, the woman had completely changed. She was calm and so in love with her new baby. She was an amazing encouragement and I wondered what had changed. She is 15 years older then me but we became friends. I liked strong opinionated women and she was open about everything - she also happened to be a psychiatric nurse and a Christian. It wasn't long before she told me about Jesus and reason for her hope. I remember thinking 'great - first friend I make is a weirdo' However what she said made sense and I became intrigued. The toddler group announced they were going to hold an alpha course and it was a chance to find out all about Jesus and ask any questions. I wanted to go along and find out more so I signed up.
I was so amazed about everything they were saying. A father God that loves you. That He loves you so much that He gave His one and only Son to die for you. As far as I was concerned, I was worthless but I could understand love by how I felt for my son. That no matter what my son did I would love him always and do whatever I could for him. I was being told that this is how God felt for me. I felt blown away by his love and grace. It took a little while to get my head around this and my friend was great at answering any questions I had along with attending alpha. I decided I wanted to become a Christian to accept God but felt a bit silly. How do you really know? How do you know if its really true or is it just feel good words? I felt a bit worried, as I had been so low, perhaps I was very vulnerable and this was one of those weird cult things? My friend explained a bit about faith and what it really meant. I decided to go along and 'try' church. I finally got the courage to go to a service. It was really scary but thankfully I saw some friendly faces from the group. Afterwards people were being prayed for, I asked what it was all about. I decided that if God was real I would be touched as they were. I think I was a bit cynical about it, but as I was being prayed for I felt the Holy Spirit fall upon me (even though I had never heard of it or had any idea what it is). It was the most amazing sensation going through my whole body. The empty hole was being filled. There was nothing else like it and when I came to, I was lying on the floor. I was completely amazed and knew it to be so real. This was not a made up experience - this was real. God and Jesus are real. I felt like I had discovered Gold!
My family and husband were a bit worried when I came home beaming about it. However, Jon was so worried I would get poorly again and could see whatever the 'church thing' was about it was changing me and helping me to come out of the darkness for good. I could understand their worries. We hear so much about cults, brain washing and religion preying on the vulnerable and sick.
Slowly I was beginning to hate myself less and enjoying life more. I was seeing myself from a different angle and not from failure. I did cleansing streams which looked back at my past and uncovered some of the thoughts I had, which led to the depression. Slowly and patiently God revealed the thinking that needed to be changed. He was able to restore me and take away the hatred I had for myself. The medication helped me get to the place to deal with my issues. God healed me from depression.
After I had come off the medication, I was able to cope with day to day life. I now had a church family. They are an amazing body of friends whom I can trust. They are not perfect but help me to rely on God and point me towards Him. In fact my friends not being perfect help assures me, how we can't do this on our own and how much we need God and we need Jesus. Having God in my life meant I no longer had to live in fear and when those thoughts and anxieties came I just talked to Him, knowing that He is all powerful and He is for me. My past issues did not magically disappear and God has slowly revealed more that needs to be corrected. I have also done Freedom in Christ and was really blessed by this. I am now at a place where I don't hate myself anymore.