Autism Awareness: Chores and pocket money

From learning about autism and speaking to parents/professionals, it became really clear to use their love of routines and order to help train your child.  I was advised what you put in place as a child will follow them through, as they get older.  For example, I was told how some children with ASD who have obsessions with computer games find it really difficult to manage their time as they become teenagers - that they often will play on through the night, every night.  I took this advice and we implemented a 30 minute computer time limit.  If they need to do homework, this will be on top.  As they get older, the time may well increase but they will know it is limited.  They have the opportunity to earn extra time and on birthdays, Christmas they can have unlimited time (TBH we are normally really busy on these days so its quite easy to manage).  Another thing they pointed out, was that this can be applied to house chores...

 

I am a stay at home mum and I like to look after the home and my boys.  I like to do things for them and have things 'nice'.  My husband works full time and these traditional roles work well for us - as he has no interest/clue in these areas.  His idea of cooking is ordering take away.  What I didn't realise in doing this, was that we were building up a pattern of how our son expects the world to work.  We just believed it was an efficient way to use our skills for our home/family, and on my part, it was an expression of love for my family.  We had a talk with him and it became quite clear that he believed all housework etc is woman's work and therefore he didn't need to learn or do it (he was 8).  I was not happy, this is not how I wanted to raise my sons and if he were to get married, my future daughter in law would certainly not be thankful! I have no idea if B will be called into marriage (I do pray and hope for this) and how it would all work out but I know he needs to learn these skills to be independent.  I do not expect him to have a love for the home in the same way I do but I would want him to be able to look after himself, which is my hope for all my sons.  It would be harder to ask him to do this as he gets older (as he will become more set in his ways, not impossible but harder) so we implemented chores into our daily routines.  We didn't want to single him out, so the whole family enlisted.  We found a job for the 2 year old too (I am pretty sure it was his job to pass us things like spoons but he felt and everyone saw he was part of the team).

As some of our children have sensory processing disorders, one of the treatments for their tactile defensiveness/sensory seeking behaviours is to do heavy weight muscle work.  This includes sweeping and wiping down tables.  By getting our children to do chores, we are also helping them to do their OT exercises and aid their development.

 

I enjoy watching a TV program called 19 kids and counting.  I am quite fascinated by how large families work and I love their approach and the way their kids are.  I bought their books, to learn more.  I was impressed by how they organise everything so thought about how we could apply this to our family.  We want our children to grow up to have a good work ethic so each chore has a monetary value but at the same time, if we asked them to do something, we didn't want them to expect to be paid to do anything for someone else.  So we have devised a 'family service and chore plan'.  Some tasks we do to help us work together well as a family, others are paid jobs.  We also make it clear that tidying up after yourself is expected, not a 'job' along with keeping yourself clean.  We have a book which lists all the jobs and it records how much money they earn.  I find the most practical method is to run the book as a bank account, otherwise with 4 kids I'd be forever needing change.  The chores/service tasks are age appropriate.  We expect the job to be done properly or otherwise they don't get paid and they have just wasted their time.  We feel this is a good work practise to get them into.  It sounds like I now get the housework off but trust me I don't.  I have to manage the jobs and teach them how to do it.  They have some set jobs which are rotated each day and then there are ad hoc jobs which they can do as and when they arise or if they want the extra money.  It would be easier to just do it but I know by letting them do it I am teaching them more, even though they really do not appreciate the lesson.

Family service tasks:- empty dishwasher, making drinks, getting out breakfast stuff - asking what everyone would like, getting out spoons, loading dishwasher

Rotated chores: Wiping table, sweeping kitchen floor, drying up, wiping down chairs/cleaning dirty spots on the floor.  We charge between 10-40p depending on the job, which may sound really small but over the week it averages about £1.80.  They then have the opportunity to earn more.

Adhoc jobs: Cleaning the car outside/inside, vacuuming the car, pairing up and sorting socks/underwear,  emptying bins, cleaning cupboards etc

Autism Awareness - Routines and Reward Charts

So far this week the boys and me have adjusted getting back into the routine of school.  It has been tiring, picking them up and taking them to all their various clubs, helping them to remember kit bags etc as well as doing any home work, prepping dinner... but we've made it through :)

 

When the boys come in from school, they all go through the 'after school checklist'.  This visual helps them to get organised for the next day.

 

• All letters/topic pages to mum (B's school tends to email or pass on to his escort as he is particular about what will and won't go in his book bag.  I put this info by my diary to check through and update when a get a second)
• Put book bags away
• Empty kit bag (put contents in the wash bin or if wearing kit, get the uniform and school shoes out and away)
• Get the next kit bag out if needed (I fill the kit bags when I do the ironing and try to remind them of any activities for the following day)
• Empty, clean and refill lunchbox (currently they are all hot dinners but there are some odd days where they choose packed instead)
• Get changed and hang up uniform (currently trying to get the older ones to smell/look to see if their uniform is dirty)
• Snack time

 

I have 4 children in 3 schools with different pick up times or clubs and each school does things slightly differently, so not all these points refer to every child.  Basically, larger families need to be organised! Even with this in place we can still forget kits/groups etc...

 

My youngest has only just started school so I need to support a lot of the points on the checklist but it will be worth it, as in time it will become automatic, like it has for his brothers.  It is easier to train the younger one, as he has his older brothers to look to for examples, so for me, it has been worth the work with the older ones.  Once the routine is completed, the boys are allowed 30mins computer time each which we fit in-between collecting any other children from clubs/dinner/reading practise and OT exercises. I do not use a routine for all of these tasks, as each day is different so we could not implement it as 'we do this every day' (our definition of routine) but we do have a visual schedule, so everyone knows what is happening for each school day.  We have one more routine which is the bedtime routine. 

 

We put the younger 2 to bed together and then the older 2 go to bed a little later (normally the younger 2 are asleep by then).  B sleeps in his own room and needs this space in order to go to sleep.  N has difficulty going off to sleep so will often read into the night.  We do not shower/bath the children every night but schedule it in.  Our eldest 2 have sensory impairments so shower/bath times can be really difficult - I will post about sensory issues another time.  The routine is mainly to get them to be cleaned, put dirty clothes in the wash, changed into PJs and into bed.  We read stories to the younger ones but the older ones like to read their own books to themselves.  We also do prayers and get them to think about things they are thankful for from the day.  Routines are an important part of ASD child's life.  It helps them to have predictability and makes them feel secure.  The routines can teach them and train them in the way we wish them to follow.  Personally I get fed up of routine, I like to just do things as and when, to not have my life all planned out but for now, this is how it has to be.

 

In order to help support the routines and to get everything done, we also use a reward chart.  Each child has 3 things to work on, which if managed earns them a point each, over the school week.  They can then spend or bank their points depending on what they wish at the end of each week.  Each child can earn up to 15 points a week.  What they work on, is normally what is causing me the most stress :) I use my emotions/stress level as an indicator as to what skills they need to work on next.  For example, we all have dinner together and we move onto pudding once everyone has finished their dinner.  My youngest would take forever to eat his dinner, which would upset his brothers. So rather than change the rule and break up our family together time (every family is different but to me it is a priority that we eat together as a family - it helps teach social skills and its a chance to catch up with everyone after a busy day) he can now earn a point if he eats his dinner in a timely manner (which is about a max. of 5 mins after everyone else has finished).   If he doesn't do it, we do not make a big fuss that he hasn't achieved it but try to use it more as an encouragement to eat his dinner.  We never take points away as a punishment, once earned they have been earned and we will not take that achievement away.  It is separate from the discipline process.  In the past I used reward charts with little success, I think that the failure was me not understanding how to use them correctly, expecting miracles from them  or pitching it at a level they did not properly comprehend - just because a child is verbal does not mean they have full understanding which also applies vice versa.  This is what their points can get them...

 

10 points = sweets/chocolate

15 points = 30mins extra computer time

30 points = pack of pokemon cards/magazine

45 points = a special activity with mum/dad or small toy

60 points = Treat outing ie costas, pudding

 

The reward charts work really well with my children.  I can adapt the tasks as and when I need to, as they are all really familiar with the process.  When we first implemented the routines and reward charts, it was hard.  We had to persevere and have faith that this would be a better way in teaching and training our children.  It paid off and they did quickly adapt as they wanted the rewards (AKA the motivator).  All the tasks are achievable for them and they have at least 1 task which is really easy for them to attain, so even on the bad days they can still be encouraged.  Reward charts can be tailored towards your child and your child may well need a reward at the end of the day and cannot bank it for a long term goal.  This is fine, they are all different and have different needs.  The main point of the reward chart/routine is that it is serving the family well, not us slaves to it. 

 

The most popular choice for rewards in our house, is the extra computer time!

Autism awareness - Back in the routine - Morning

So the kids are back at school and out come the visuals and back into the routine we go.  Our mornings need to be predictable and ordered.  This helps our ASD child to cope with what is happening, as he needs prediction in an already confusing world.  We do not run everything by the clock but we do it in order, so come the holidays and weekend we can still follow the order but we can do it at a relaxed pace.  We did not instinctively know we needed to do this, we have learnt this through trial and error and we honed our skills from doing the Early Bird Plus course.  This is a great course (run by the National Autistic Society for children aged 4-8years old) which has helped us learn so much about ASD (as parents) but you also attend it alongside your school.  We attended it with B's HLSA.  We both learned and worked together to put strategies in place.  If you get the chance to attend this course - please take it :)

 

Back to the routine, before the course and order, I found I was always yelling and getting stressed that no one would get ready and they were easily distracted and frustrated with one another (probably because they began the day with their mother cross).  I found we were late to playschool or groups and by the time we got there, we were already quite worn out.  Something needed to change.  I was watching Supernanny (We did not get B's diagnosis until he was 7, until then I watched, read and attended every parenting thing as his behaviour was horrendous and I had assumed I was just the worst parent ever and needed to learn better techniques) and the family were having the same problem and she devised a 'get set go' board.  I quickly implemented it and it worked great for us.  It was a board with 2 cars on a race track that stopped at each task ie wash face, brush teeth, get dressed etc and it was a race to the end.  I had to prep everything like clothes on the peg and have everything out ready for them to follow the routine.  I had to teach them to get dressed etc they did not learn this by instinct, like some children do.  The boys were at preschool age and really took to it - I think they also liked the competition.  Anytime they looked lost - I would not yell but refer them to the board.  I needed them to learn some independent skills as I would be trying to get myself and the baby ready. 

 

As time passed the board got a little worn and it changed to a 'visual'.  A visual is a prompt to remind your child what comes next.  We learnt on the course that ASD children are visual learners and that they respond far better to visual input then verbal - so my previous yelling really was a waste of time and energy.  My children have picked up reading quite easily, so I used photographs and words of the tasks needed and ordered them.  Most libraries offer a communication in print program that you can use for free which can help you tailor a visual to your child's needs, if you do not like to use photographs.  I did laminate these sheets, as now they understood what was needed, it does not mean they want to do it.  You can't get overly precious about the visuals, as they can get screwed up and thrown in the bin.  That's why I like using photographs and have my own laminator so I can just print another copy off when needed and the laminator just helps to preserve their life a little longer.  Don't be put off from using them if they are thrown or destroyed, it shows they are understanding what is happening but now they need a motivator to help them complete the task.  A motivator is a reward.    They need a motivator as they have absolutely no interest in completing the task.  I am the one who wants the task completed so I need to make it appealing.  They would quite happily turn up everywhere naked and dirty (at this age) remember they think differently to the typical person/child and do not see the need to comply with typical social unwritten rules.

 

My son also has no understanding of hierarchy, so typical people understand that you should do as I say as I am an adult and you are a child, this means nothing to my son.  I have tried to teach him this but as far as he is concerned we are all the same and it doesn't matter how old, who you are or what title you hold - he does not get why that means he has to do as you want and not please himself.  This jars with a lot of parenting methods.  I cannot strictly teach him to obey and I cannot give him the freedom of lots of choices either, as he finds this difficult to process and overwhelming.  Infact he prefers not to have a choice.  Which is why it can feel so frustrating.  The course helped me to parent in a way that is effective to my son and it works well with the whole family.  Having visuals helped to take away some of my sons frustrations that were aimed at me (as i wanted him to do things he did not) and moved them to the visual (which cannot argue back, get emotional or too many choices).  The visual also helps takes away my talking it through - which is just an extra layer for him to process, which can become overwhelming. 

 

As they have gotten older, they need less detail in the prompts ie now I can just use the visual - a written word of bathroom - wash and teeth.  They  know it means they need to go to the bathroom for a face/hands wash, dry themselves and to brush their teeth.  He now knows this and does not need it laid out step by step. so therefore we no longer need a bathroom visual. It has taken time to get there but consistent routine has worked.  We also use visual prompts to support other parts of the routine, to help keep the visuals as simple and easy to follow as possible.  We have an upstairs visual, a downstairs visual but its all part of the same routine.  The visuals can be used for all autistic children whether they are higher functioning or not so, as they are tailored to them.  For our family, the children are motivated by food so all tasks have to be done first before they get breakfast (this is the motivator/reward).  If you find this does not work, we use the 'first' and 'then' method.  'First' being follow the routine (which is not to change) and 'then' being the motivating reward which can change to whatever it needs to be, to get 'First' completed. 

A lot of work has gone into this but its worth it.  ASD children don't like change but it was worth persevering to implement a routine which works and serves us all.  Typical families probably just get ready, they probably have an order or routine without having to meticulously think it through or perhaps they just yell and it gets the job done but we have to plan it out and then we have to follow it or set ourselves up for a bad day as he will be out of sorts.

This is how are mornings work - all the children follow the routine;

Bathroom - wash and teeth
Deoderant
Get Dressed
PJs on bed
Comb hair
Make bed
Room tidy

Once this part is finished they can go downstairs to complete part 2 of the routine;

Family service task (each child has a different task)
Shoes on
Breakfast (together at the table when we are all ready)
Bible time and prayers

B's taxi shortly arrives and the others have about 10 mins till its time to go to school.  In case you are wondering about lunches and kit/school bags these are done the day before as part of the afterschool routine and are kept by the front door. Our actual visuals are word docs so it would not allow me to insert them, so have written them out instead.
 

Preparing for Easter

2 weeks time is the big day - Easter! So todays blog post is about how we prepare for Easter as a family, in our house.  For some Easter maybe seen as a chance to catch up with family/friends, indulge in chocolate, a break or get a DIY project done over the long weekend. For us, it is the pinnacle point of our faith!  We believe that Jesus is the son of God, completely perfect and spotless, who died as a sacrifice for our sins, who then conquered death and rose again.  Because we believe Jesus is, who He says He is, we remember, reflect and celebrate him.

 

There are many different ways to celebrate Easter, starting from pancake day, lent or the Holy week.  We want to get the kids excited about Easter and for them to realise it is not just about chocolate (as commercialism would like us to believe) but an important part of our identity.  Whilst I would love to do the whole of lent, during this current season, it has just been too busy.  I am sure this will change over the years but for now this is where we are at.  Our children are aged 11, 9, 7 and 4.  We have to pitch it to keep their attention and for everyone to feel included.  We did do pancake day and we discussed lent as a family.  We have been reading through the book of John together as a family for our morning devotions.  I do believe we are free to choose to do lent or not, we are not bound by legalism.  We start focusing on Easter, 2 weeks before the big event, as we want them to be excited (not bored with it all) and to give them enough time to reflect and think about it all. 

 

We do an egg countdown (a bit like our advent calendars).  I used an old egg box and some plastic eggs from Poundland.  In each egg is scripture, which will tell the account of Jesus leading to his resurrection and a mini chocolate egg for each child.   This is our morning bible time.  The children will take turns opening the egg, finding the passage in the bible and reading it aloud.  Last year we made a tree out of sticks/branches and I cut out egg shapes.  During this time, the younger ones could colour in the egg shapes and the older ones would draw a picture/symbol of what we were discussing.  We also made an Easter banner so if it was not their turn to colour an egg, they could colour in a character (I do have 4 boys and keeping still to listen, does not always come naturally, so a planned distraction helps).  After we had read and discussed the passage, we would then pray and hang the egg on the tree.  This is what we did last year as Easter fell at the end of the school holidays, so we made the most of the 2 weeks beforehand. 

 

 

 

This year, Easter is before they have the break, so as we do not have oodles of time before the school run, we will not do the tree and the crafts.  After breakfast, we will open the egg, read the scripture, discuss, pray and eat the chocolate.  It will probably take between 5-10mins depending on questions etc.  We choose to read the bible verses rather than the stories as this is more appealing to our older children and as we then discuss what we have read, it helps the youngest to understand.  At the weekends, we have more time and we will do a family Easter craft together.  I enjoy  purposefully making memories with the children.  Sometimes it goes well, other times it does not - either way, it doesn't matter as the goal is to make memories of spending time together as a family. 

 

Today we kicked off the celebrations by making an Easter garden in the pot by our front door.  I have also bought some Easter themed craft projects which we can do at the weekends together.  Todays project is to sew a Jesus, a cross and a palm leaf. So that is how we start to prepare in the lead up to Easter...

 

Our Easter countdown readings:

 

Genesis 3:1-19

Genesis 22:1-14

Exodus 12:21-30

Luke 2

Luke 3

John 2: 1-11

John 11

Matthew 21:1-11

John 2:12-25

John 12:1-11

Matthew 26

Matthew 27

Nothing (We leave the egg empty, so that the boys can have empathy about what it would have been like not to have Jesus)

Matthew 28

 

We read the children's NIV translation.

 

Valentines Day!

Almost Valentines Day and the shops are filled with hearts, cards with overpriced chocolates and flowers.  Restaurants are smiling as they get to charge extra and can expect increased bookings as couples head out for a night of romance. Pretty much everything red, pink or has a heart on it can expect an increase of profit.  This one day of the year, males feel obliged to show their love in romancing their other halves by purchasing the above gifts, all wonderfully presented to you by the power of consumerism.  This year though, we have the release of '50 shades of Grey' in the cinema, so instead of being just about romance, it can now be all about sex too - who's having the best sex and what can be purchased in order to help facilitate it.  This year there seems to be an increase in the amount of sex cards for Valentines.  I was shocked when I went into card factory and saw that display.  I will not be purchasing a 'you make me so wet' card for my husband - its not that I don't want to have sex with my husband, I just don't want that conversation with my children or have that displayed on the side in my house for any guests/family that may visit!  Apparently even B&Q/DIY stores are prepping their staff in the sales of cable ties and duct tape as the new romantic gift and are looking forward to welcoming in 'the 50 shades inspired' customers.

 

Whilst I may come across as cynical or you maybe thinking 'oh her husband doesn't get her a card' I actually like Valentines day.  I am happy to have any excuse to show my husband and children that I love them! Last year, I gave each of my boys a little poem and chocolates and my husband a card and gift too.  I want our children to see that we love each other and them too.  I am equally delighted when I receive flowers, chocolates, well any gifts of affection.  I appreciate the thought and the time that goes into it.  I include my children in Valentines day as to me it is about love.  If Valentines day is about sex/romance for you, then I can understand that it may seem weird to include your children.  This is the perception I used to have but as I get older, I learn more about love.  I want them to feel loved and know how treasured they are in a non sexual way - that they do not need a girlfriend in order to experience love or be loved.  I want them to see their dad love me and vice versa, in a romantic, treasured way throughout our marriage.  I would hate for them to think of love as just sex and that romance is just for new relationships. Who knows, in a few years time maybe one of them will blog about their mum being weird and getting them valentines stuff!

 

It is important to love one another everyday, however I don't always show it in the big gestures.  I get caught up in the everyday and I show my love for them in the little things (they may not always see it) but this is the love that counts - the building blocks.  I am there for them, I 'do' for them, I am there for the happy, sad, telling off, joyful, the mundane times.  I don't spontaneously buy/do love gifts for them on a day to day basis (gifts are not my love language).  Therefore, I find it easier to be purposeful (ie bigger gestures) on set days ie Valentines or anniversaries.  So whilst I have heard and no doubt will see status about how consumerist/empty it all is, that we shouldn't be told to be romantic/love as then it is meaningless, actually sometimes I need this and I am not ashamed to admit it.  It does not mean I don't love them or that I will be buying all the stuff but it does mean I will be taking some time out to think about the ones I love, what their love language is and how I can show them I love them this weekend. 

This year, I am planning on keeping it simple, as have not been too well recently.  For the boys, I will give them each a piece of scripture, just for them with an affirming note along with some chocolate (if you have met my boys, you know that they always appreciate food) and for my husband, a card, put the kids to bed early, a relaxed dinner for us with a nice bottle of wine...

Happy Valentines!! xxx

Christmas Dinner

I'm filling with excitement as I get out the bird and start prepping for the 'Christmas Feast'.  This year we are going traditional and having Turkey for Christmas.  It will be the first year I have cooked a full turkey.  In previous years we have had a turkey crown, 3 bird roast and goose.  Before that I was vegetarian and as my husband wasn't fussed about eating meat, we just had a quorn roast or grill, which required no prep just heating.  Hubby has always liked the sausages wrapped in bacon, so that has been a usual side.  I enjoy turkey, however the 3 bird roast from aldi - I did not like, and goose, although was nice, I'd prefer turkey or chicken (along with the price tag).

 

I have been reading up on the best way to cook it and was surprised to read that women perfect cooking the Christmas dinner at age 47 and often don't start cooking it, until they are 34.  Well as I'm not yet 34 and have been doing the Christmas dinner a while now, I should hopefully be mastering this a lot sooner :) even though most of my life I have been a vegetarian. I do love my mums Christmas dinner.  Its just so comforting and big, probably because this is what I was used to and what my happy memories of Christmas are tied too.  I haven't had my mums Christmas dinner in a long time now, as I passed through the 'woman's right of passage' and now make my own for my family.  Its not the same as doing a normal roast dinner as I don't put in as much effort on a Sunday and we don't have as many extras as we do for Christmas day.  I think that by cooking the Sunday roast, you have a feel for your oven and the timings so it is good training.  However this is the day when you take it up a notch.

 

I actually really like it.  I love thinking about food, what is everyone's favourite? how can I incorporate this to our menu.  I like looking up new recipes seeing what will work, what can I try this time?  I like the idea of making a feast of delicious foods rather than a banquet of mediocre.  I know that there are so many products in the supermarket, that your Christmas dinner can be just a case of re-heating what they have prepared but I quite like the challenge of cooking from scratch.  My sister and I chat on the phone about the recipes we've seen and enjoy the planning stages.

 

Last year I did homemade stuffing, (which is really simple and tasty to do) along with honey roast parsnips and carrots, cabbage (as I love this vegetable) and Jamie Oliver's roast potatoes as the accompaniments, not forgetting the pigs in blankets or the Yorkshire puddings that my husband loves.  I try and add one more home cooked item to master each year as not to over stress myself.  This year it is Brussels sprouts cooked the hairy bikers way (with pancetta).  I'm afraid there's no link but the recipe is in their Christmas book.  You can always try this.  I hate sprouts (they're bitter little balls which should only be consumed with vast amounts of ketchup) however I've been told its all about the 'method' of how you cook them, so will give it a try.  Next year I plan on trying my own gravy/sauces, as so far I have only done shop bought.

 

Most of the celeb chefs say buy the best free range turkey, fresh from the farm/butchers but I can't afford that, so I am buying mine from Asda! I'm cooking it in the Nigella Lawson 'super juicy' way.  It seems really simple and not a lot of fussing on the day.  I don't want too much fuss, as will also have 4 excited little boys to play with!  I have also heard that actually on blind taste tests the majority of people prefer the cheaper stores Christmas selection to the premium brands and others could tell no difference.  Anyway first time I've cooked a whole turkey, so have nothing to compare it too :)  With this recipe, its all about soaking the turkey for at least 24 hours in lots of herbs and spices in water.  I'm looking forward to trying it.  We're just having one meat, as its just us 6 for Christmas.  I think the key is to prepare as much as possible in advance. My husband will be out of my hair, hopefully putting together the boys toys or building Lego with them.  I have a piece of paper where I write down timings (otherwise I'll forget and no doubt my little ones will want my attention, to show me their new creation or to play at some point and I can be easily distracted) I am happy listening to them playing whilst I am cooking away.

 

I like the table to look nice too and we often get the advent candles out and if the boys have made any decorations or from our advent craft Sundays, these will go on the table too.  We do the crackers, the boys love them.  Its not about creating a spread fit for homes and gardens but a homely feel where everyone feels part of the feast and the family!

That time of year...

Yes its that 'magical' time of year, Christmas is almost here! I have been a very busy bee, sourcing gifts, organising food and a family get together, decorating the home, preparing a feast and being there for all the Christmas performances....

Like lots of women, its that time of year where your organisational skills are put to the test to create 'Christmas' whilst also being nurse to all those horrid bugs that like to join us for the festivities.

Amongst all of this, 'normal life' still takes place, washing-ironing-cleaning, the mundane, that never ceases.  Christmas is a time where as a Christian we are celebrating Jesus.  It is all too easy to get carried away with everything else and forget - that seizing the opportunity to teach the gospel to our children can take a back seat, rather than the main seat.

In our house, our children know that Father Christmas is not real.  They know that presents come from family and friends, and are given with love.  They know we are celebrating the birth of Jesus and believe me, this has not taken away any magic of Christmas.  They are still really excited and love this time of year.  We chose not to have 'Santa' in our lives, not because of any rules about being a Christian but personal choice. 

Our eldest son, from a young age hated Santa - he would always scream and protest at the sight of him (no matter how hard we tried to urge him).  He's also very bright and was a very suspicious pre-schooler.  I personally wanted to keep 'Santa' as I have such fond memories of believing in him as a child and wanted that for my children.  I couldn't wait to share the make believe of Santa and be creative in keeping him alive i.e. footprints, notes, reindeer dust.  However, for us it didn't work out this way. 

 

When he was 5, our son also became really interested in God and made a commitment to follow Jesus.  We decided as he was never a 'Santa' fan that asking him to believe in a person (which we knew not to be true) who brought presents and could always see if you're being good or bad, but you could not see, would be too confusing for him, when we were also teaching him about God.  We don't want to lie or confuse them, about the important things in life so we told him the truth.  It wasn't an easy decision as I still love Santa and its one of those things once you have said it you can't go back on.  When we told him, he was not at all upset - I think he was relieved that there would be no stranger walking around the house (even if he was dropping off presents).  After this, he actually didn't mind seeing Santa and was happy to join in the Christmas traditions we had previously tried, as he knows its not real, that the purpose is purely for fun.  If I hadn't already blogged about my eldest, this is very ASD, Christmas can be very hard time of year and sometimes they find it not enjoyable at all - even though you work your butt off.  It can be the change, the expectations which can lead to anxiety and worry. 

 

This is how we told him, we read the story of the real Father Christmas so he could understand where the tradition came from and why people choose to believe in him.  This was the right decision for us.  He is so more comfortable with Santa and has even visited him! (still not keen on getting too close though) Obviously when you tell one, he told the rest of his siblings but we try and drill into our children not to openly tell others.  I would hate for them to ruin someone else's dreams, however they're children with their own opinions...

 

Having no Father Christmas does make it easier to bring Jesus into the focus.  We celebrate advent Sundays together, by reading scripture discussing the meaning and often alongside doing a family craft activity and food.  This year we are colouring in a nativity scene bunting.  We have an advent calendar where by we build up the nativity scene day by day.  Each day we read a couple of verses from Luke 1 about the Christmas story.  They get to choose a chocolate from the tin.  They really look forward to it as we build in happy memories together. 

 

We still have stockings etc.  They enjoy their presents and understand that they come from our family and we're on a budget.  It helps them to write a realistic present wish list and I don't have to deal with 'was I a bad boy because Santa didn't buy me the ipad, I asked for?' conversations.  I have to add, in saying that, when I asked my children what they were hoping for B would like a ds game, N would like a spy watch, J said he didn't mind and L looked at me with a 'what are you talking about?' expression on his face.  He's 2 and upon putting up the tree said 'bir day?' and tried blowing out the lights :)

 

So although we don't do Santa we still have lots of fun and family traditions that they really look forward to... 

Easter half term

Well our Easter half term didn't quite go according to plan due to a yucky stomache bug... however we still managed some fun...

Happy Easter!

Happy New Year

Well 2011 has not been an easy year.  When I was reflecting back, I was thinking about how glad I was to see the back of 2011 and that 2012 couldn't arrive soon enough.

I do like to review the year gone by, think about what we have done and learnt, what we can do differently next year.  I sat in bed looking through my prayer journal and writing notes on the year.  I started to feel sad about how the lows of 2011, how they could have been opportunities to grow in faith if I had not been so stubborn in trusting God, instead of believing I knew how to handle things.  I wrote them all out and gave thanks to God for the lows.  Although I did not enjoy these experiences, I know through the challenging times, I am not alone that God does love and care for me, that He has a plan for me and will finish the work He has started.  I said sorry for my sins and then I could see the joys of this past year.  I also sat and gave praise for them.

Reflecting back helped me to see the repeating sins and the lessons God is teaching me.  Jon and I went through all of this and prayed over the past year and what we would like for 2012.  We then committed to making our new resolutions, plans and hopes with God, for this New Year.  I am looking forward to 2012 not just because of how I remembered 2011 but because of our hope in Jesus, sins forgiven and how Gods mercy towards us is refreshed each day.  Thank-you Lord for this new beginning!

Seasonal Update

Oh dear - its been a while, well here's a little update on us...

An amazing Christmas time was had by us.  We celebrated advent as a family together, took part in carol services, the school productions and the Christmas parties.  The children were off a week before Christmas so in this time we made decorations (snowglobes and name settings), lots and lots of mince pies, followed by jam tarts, saw Arthur Christmas at the cinema and had fun.  It wasn't always stress free though as the boys were very excited about Christmas coming! Christmas Eve was amazing as a Saturday Jon was not working so we had a lovely family day.  We got all the prep done and went for a lovely walk at Hamworthy beach.  Trying to run off all the pre-Christmas excitement.  We then came home and I cooked the boys favourite meal, on our Christmas decorated table.  We then did bath, bible and hot chocolate time before bed.

Christmas started with me waking up about 5.30am (as I was really excited).  My husband made us tea and we waited for the boys to descend.  Yes my husband thinks I'm crazy but he knows i get really excited about Christmas!  All the hard work in choosing the presents I can't wait for them to open them and be blessed.  The eldest came in about 6.30am and was followed by the others around 7am.  We were thankful they did not come in through the night, however son number 2 had trouble sleeping and got upset as he thought Christmas would never come.  We enjoyed stockings, present, church, goose and family presents.  We then played and enjoyed being with one another.  The days afterwards have been spent with the boys playing with their new toys whilst Jon and I prepare the room for when the new floor will be laid.  We had a flood and the insurance has now been sorted out so we will begin the work in the new year.  However it means we're living a bit chaotically.  This is good for me as I need to learn to put aside my preference for perfection.

Well the decorations are now down, the celebrations have finished but we look forward to welcoming in the new year, with gladness and hope with Jesus in our hearts! 

Preparing for advent

Well it won't be long till Christmas now!!!  I know some of you maybe tutting as its not even December but advent starts in November (4 Sundays before Christmas) so this is when we start our preparations.

I love all things Christmassy - i love the decorations, the food, buying gifts, doing the cards, the carols, the plays, the social events... not so keen on wrapping but I have a husband who enjoys that.  I started present shopping ages ago.  This is because I enjoy being organised, I enjoy getting bargains and I would rather spend December concentrating on Jesus. 

This year we have decided the best way to communicate the truth of Christmas is by having a special family advent time together, each Sunday of advent.  The run upto Christmas is usually really busy and Jons workload seems to increase.  Sundays are the best day for our whole family to be together and its important that this is not something that I just do with the children but for us all to be included.  We want to prepare our childrens hearts for the true meaning of Christmas and why this is an exciting time for us.  We do different things each year (some years are busier than others).

The plan - The first Sunday is Hope.  We are going to have a nice breakfast together, light our first advent candle. We are planning on reading a passage from the bible about hope, how Jesus is light of the world, to discuss the symbolism in why we do what we do and then an activity.  As our children range from 1-8 we will probably have a colour in activity sheet based on what we're discussing. 

This year instead of the chocolate advent calendars, we have a build the nativity scene calendar.  We will do this each morning and allow them to choose a sweetie from the Heroes tin ( i think the chocolates in the tin taste nicer than the advent ones).

We hope to build happy lasting memories over advent with our children...

Traditions

I wrote previously about 'traditions' throughout this blog but thought I would go more in depth about why I feel they're so important.  I feel that traditions are a really important tool in creating childhood memories, that you return to as adults.  I can remember always opening our stockings on mum and dads bed at Christmas. We always got up early and we always commenced present opening (downstairs round the tree) after mum and dad had made their cup of tea.  We all sat round as mum handed out the presents and it was great to watch others, as well as, receive presents.  I look back at these memories with fondness.  Whether its intentional or not, family traditions happen.  Whether its the big events like Christmas or just the everyday like meal times, when and where and with whom, you eat.

When we got married and had our children, we then had to start working out our own family traditions.  Jon likes to open Christmas presents in the afternoon and for me that would be torture! to have our meals together or in front of the tv.. These little details seem irrelevant but shape family life. 

We chose to look at our traditions first - how we live the everyday and the big events in our lives.

Neither of us were brought up in a christian household and it wasn't until after N, son number 2, that Jon became a christian and us a 'christian household'.  We have not had a christian upbringing modelled to us and now we are raising up 4 boys to be godly men.  Where can we start?  I think firstly we have to remember that it is God alone who saves.  He chooses who He saves, its not through our works.  We can pray for our children to have salvation and to know Jesus.  Learning that God is in control does not mean to have the attitude - well it doesn't matter then, what will be will be. God is in control of life and death. He chose to bless us with the gift of children and we can direct and train them to know Him for Gods glory.  Parents are Gods chosen way to bring children to Him, so in raising up our boys we need to make the most of each opportunity to live out our faith and teach our boys.  I know through being a child, its not what your parents say but how they live it out, that is remembered.  So raising our sons is not about just simply telling them what to do, following the latest parenting trend or making them grind away at the bible but for us to be following Christ, to be humble and showing them how we grow in faith. Being a christian and following God is exciting, being on a mission is exciting, this excitement whether things are going well or not, should be evident and they should be aware it is for them too.

It is a massive responsibility, being a parent and being a 'Godly' parent can give rise to unrealistic expectations for yourselves and for your children.  It can be easy to turn legalistic or think you're in control of them but then we wouldn't be showing the grace of God in our lives.  I think if you're wholeheartedly following God then this will be evident in how you raise your children.  There are so many books on parenting available its easy to get lost and not know where to start. The place we found easy to start our christian parenting journey was through our traditions - traditions teach and our children remember them. Also they're great fun to do and plan out. I like this book by Noel Piper and it inspired us to think and plan out our own traditions.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.- Proverbs 22:6

Failing Easter?

This year, Easter in our house did not go as I would have liked it.  Last year, each Sunday, from lent, we had family time with planned activities.  We spent time going over what happened to Jesus and why.  We celebrated Holy week and made a model of the tomb.  We took communion as a family, we enjoyed hot cross buns and talked about why we do what we do at Easter in remembrance.  Easter Sunday morning was a time of celebration and prayer.  We went to church, we did an Easter egg hunt, we prayed, had fun and watched a film about Easter together.  It felt good to celebrate as a family and use the gifts of planning God gave me for Him.

This year, lent came and went, and although I was thinking about Easter I didn't really make the time to do family activities.  I kept putting it off thinking I'll start it next week, or well its too late now we'll do it at Holy week.  I served at the kids holiday at our church the first week of Easter and then we went away for the second week as our boiler was being installed. I had thought about doing readings each morning with children during holy week.  This didn't happen, as it took a while to settle the children at Nanny's and Grandads whilst we were away.  Good Friday was spent travelling home and then it was bedtime.  Before I knew it Easter was here and I had a whole list of excuses as to why I was so busy and hadn't used this oppertunity to teach our children.  I would never dream of being so busy to miss Christmas, so what had happened? I still love Jesus...

I learnt more about Gods grace! We still celebrated Easter and it was good!  We had fun at Kids holiday club and had a fantastic week away.  (I went with the boys as Jon had to work and be here for the plumber).  We really needed the break and the kids loved being with family.  When we got home, we talked about Jesus and the cross.  We shared hot cross buns on Saturday instead and named it Sad Saturday as we talked about what had happened.  Easter Sunday we woke up and shared a lovely breakfast together.  We read the bible and prayed together.  We went to church and listened to a great sermon on Easter.  It was refreshing and just what I needed to hear.  Easter is a new beginning.  We still had our Easter egg hunt and the children enjoyed watching a film, whilst eating their eggs.  It wasn't all about chocolate and not quite as focused on Jesus as I would of liked. 

Its not our traditions that will bring our children to Jesus but God alone who saves.  This year we had to rely not on the rituals we created but rely on Gods grace, to teach our children.  I am thankful for the freedom I have in Christ.  I am thankful I do not need to feel or remain guilty in 'not doing things properly'.  I do not have to feel ashamed I failed to plan out Easter. I am thankful I can confess, repent of my sin and be forgiven.  I am thankful for new beginnings! Next year I plan to plan it out as Easter is important to us.  Jesus died on the cross for my sins, defeated death and rose to life.  This is worth the time and effort in creating traditions for my family in remembrance.  It is not by our works we are saved, we know this, but we want to bring honour to God and direct our children to Jesus, not just by our words but how we live out our faith.