Our Heavenly Child

We had decided 3 was it for us, but slowly over time God revealed to us his plan and softened our hearts.  I remember thinking well not until J is a lot older.  I did not want to repeat just fitting in a baby into our lives but wanted to enjoy our next child.  That was when we were given a 'gift'. At the time, we thought of it more as an accident as we weren't planning on having another child yet.  We were both in shock and I felt almost embarrassed by it.  I am, after all, a grown woman, how can this happen?  Last time I viewed it straight away as a gift because we had wanted a baby at that time.  This time I am ashamed to admit, we did not see it like that, straight away.

I was in denial to begin with and then I felt really awful.  I remember being so tired and feeling sick at the weirdest times of day.  I felt different compared to previous pregnancies.  After a few more weeks, we begun to feel excited about the birth of number 4.  I just accepted that this pregnancy I was going to feel very tired and sick.  I had signed up to the pregnancy emails, planning our new addition in our heads.  I remember booking my midwife appointment and feeling why on earth had I been in denial, this is so great.  We had only told one close friend at the time as we needed time to get our heads around it all.  We wanted to be further along before we told everyone as that's what we had always done.  We were looking forward to being parents again.

At 8 1/2 weeks I started bleeding and we lost our baby at 9weeks. We were devastated.  I couldn't believe how much I needed to grieve for a baby that had never been.  It did not make logical sense.  However, our baby was very real to us and was a great loss.  I would look at my other children and feel so sad about what I had missed out on. I regretted not sharing the amazing news of being pregnant and not enjoying every moment of our precious child's life, even though it existed just in my womb.  I felt guilty for my initial feelings of our baby being an accident rather than thinking of a gift.  Also sadness that I still believed I was in control rather than God over the matter of having children. 

I needed support from friends and family, so we had to tell them of our sadness and never of the joy.  I just wanted to be back to normal and had no comprehension of how tired I would feel and that my body would need time physically to get over this.  I wanted not to feel sad over this but it took at least 3 months just to initially grieve.

I like to think that God loved our child so much, He wanted it back straight away and that its SO loved.  I still think about our child that is not here on Earth, but time has helped it become less painful to think back.  I still feel emotional around the time we lost our baby and when it was due.  My friend had a baby, around the time mine would have been due so seeing her baby does make me wonder what mine would of been like now.

When we had grieved for our loss and my body had returned back to normal, we conceived L.  It was such joy, although very scary but we made sure we shared the news with our families etc and everyone who supports us so whatever happened with our child, we would have memories of sharing the joy.  God certainly restores and I did cherish being pregnant with L, we are so thankful for him and for the chance to being parents again.

Life with 5

I had J in a routine straightaway.  I needed to, as there was 19months between J and N, and 3years 11months between J and B.  It was easy to implement as had just done it with N and had the experience of multitasking with 2 children.  However, it was very tiring and the birth took a bit longer to recover.  It was about 6 weeks before I felt like myself again. 

We had an established routine that was working well for our family.  Without routine, it would have been chaos and not enough time for everyone.  The children had rest/sleep and eating patterns that I strictly followed.  They also had a strict bedtime and wake-up time.  I enjoy being organised and during this time I could plan all these details.  

We were living in a small house.  Plus side was it meant housework did not take up a lot of time however we were beginning to outgrow it.  When J was about 6 weeks, we sold and bought a renovation project in one day.  We then moved in 6 weeks later.  We prayed about the move and everything went through quickly.  It was exciting designing and planning how we wanted our family home to be.  Looking back though I feel we were to quick to make these decisions. 

There were and still are many times that I think God is this really the right decision? did we really hear from you or was it us being too enthusiastic and rushing in?  We had both always wanted to buy a house and do it up.  When we were students we had part time jobs in a diy store together which had taught us about decorating and building.  Our smaller house needed completely re-decorating, which we did together and really enjoyed.  However our new house was a much bigger project and needed lots of work and money (which we soon ran out of).

Time passed so quickly.  I had to be out most of the time, due to all the work that was being done.  We weren't really enjoying life with our new precious baby but just surviving through it.  The house project took up all our spare time.  Evenings and weekends were spent discussing or preparing for the next stage.  I found I did not enjoy the groups or going out as much with 3 children when there was no alternative.   It was so hard to keep an eye on all of them and to try and hold a conversation with another adult seemed impossible. I longed to be able to let the children play with their own toys and just relax in my own home.  I still stuck to our routine of sleep and eating to keep order for the children but it was hard.  It is sad as I don't remember that much of J being a baby.  In some ways I wish we had purchased a 'ready' house and enjoyed our family time instead.  If we had though, I would of missed out on more of Gods teaching and leading. 

After a year of renovating, we could actually 'live' in our house.  We took some time off from house jobs.  The house was not completed and is not still.  I really felt God saying to me that there is more to a home than just functional rooms, all looking good.  It was time to put Jesus in our home.  I don't mean fancy paintings or statues but looking at exactly what a home is and what it means to us. We want Jesus to be the centre of our lives and that includes our home.  So far life had been about material possessions and getting the space right.  God was teaching us - this is not His way.  We started to open our house up more and have people over.  I found that really hard, as I just like things as they should be and felt our house was incomplete but I am learning to be patient (not proud) and that it really doesn't matter.  We were learning to be thankful for what we have and we have so much!

I remember being given a word that Gods work in me, was like our house.  That as we went through each room restoring it to its original purpose, God was doing that to me.  I have had such healing and restoration from God but I will post more on that story later....

Back to life as 5, J was a great toddler and I made every effort to enjoy him and enjoy toddler hood.  Our new house has a big playroom so all the children can play together. It was a lot less stressful and easier to keep my eye on all of them and to meet their different needs, in our own house.  I think this is why I enjoyed J's toddler hood as I could finally relax!  The house is a blessing as now we have a great space for our children and their friends (as well as ours) to entertain in.  We could now make it into our home!

Lots of my original friends from having B had moved onto the next phase.  By this I mean, as they gained more freedom from playschool etc, it was easier to get back to work and be something other than 'mummy'.  As I was still in this phase, and a new baby in tow, I knew it would be a while before I had any time to myself again.  I did feel sad but God blessed me and met with me in this. After my third child, with all the lessons God had taught me, God started to reveal his calling to me...

When 4 became 5

As N was such a joy we could not wait to have our 3rd child.  We wanted to start trying straight away, I think it was about 3 months after having N.  (Even though we'd been talking about it since N was born).  However we did not conceive straight away this time.  Each month ended with no baby in sight.  It is really depressing when your trying and nothing seems to be happening.  You seem to see lots of pregnant women and notice every stage of your menstrual cycle, wondering if this is going to be the month.  After about 4/5 months of trying, we decided to postpone.  I wanted to get my body back and take a break.  After a couple of months of not trying and using protection, I fell pregnant!

It was on Christmas day, I remember sitting down at the end of a very busy day feeling very tired and drinking some wine.  I suddenly remembered I was late - I'm never late.. The following morning, I took a test (that I had left over from when we were trying).  It was positive. I then told Jon to close his eyes, as there was another present we had, I put the clean test in his hands and we were both thrilled at the news of our gift!

This was also another very emotional pregnancy.  Early on I was really worried about miscarrying, as some of my friends had.  It was awful.  I never worried about this with my first, as much as I did with subsequent pregnancies. I think this is because I was a lot more aware of what can go wrong and also now I had experienced how wonderful the gift of children are, I did not want to loose it.  I remember seeing something about phantom pregnancies on the television and was so convinced this is what I was experiencing.  Even though it was pregnancy number 3, I had a positive test I was still worried. I remember going for the 12 week scan and telling the midwife my concern but thankfully J was there kicking around and full of beans.  I remember feeling nauseous but not being sick with this pregnancy.

This pregnancy was very tiring as I had both B and N to look after.  I had to have an afternoon nap this time.  When N went for his afternoon sleep, B had quiet time time in his room, which allowed me to rest.  It wasn't a proper sleep but it was time to lay on the sofa and not move.  I was so conscience of what I ate as did not want to gain too much weight.  I did not enjoy the pregnancy or have much time to get bonded to the baby, as so busy with life and looking after B & N.  Having a bath was my time to bond and relax with baby.  I re-decorated the nursery as I had with previous pregnancies but there was not a lot to get or coo over.  With pregnancy 2 we went out and got all the bits we wished we had with pregnancy 1 and we knew what not to buy from experience.  This time round we had everything.  It was also quite different as I didn't really show until I was 24 weeks.  With B, I carried so much water and was so swollen.  With N, I showed straight away and had no sickness, now I was different again.  I thought because of this, I was carrying a girl.

I loved the idea of having 2 boys and a girl.  It hit me really hard when we found out it was another boy at our 20 week scan.  We both really wanted a daughter and after the scan, we looked like we had received the worst news ever.  I do love our boys (they are certainly not 2nd best) but thought I would give you an honest account of how I felt at that time.  I felt really sad.  I felt angry at God, as he had blessed us with a boy and this was not 'my' idea of a perfect family - 2 boys and a girl was, I did not understand.  I felt awful that I felt this way - it made no sense.  Looking back I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.  I love my boys so much but I think in hindsight it was not disappointment over having another son but grieving that I would not get to have a daughter.  

God really spoke to us both during this time.  I remember crying out to God and then the postman dropped a letter through the door.  It was from my granny - the only Christian member of my family.  I don't normally receive mail from her but inside was a little study book about Jonah and another on Mary & Martha.  I read through this and God spoke to us in volumes about our behaviour and my 'perfectionist' sin.  God had been so good to us - through our childish sulking, He saw our pain and He comforted us, not harshly but gently and gave us wisdom.  Gods timing was perfect. I prayed and instantly the answer arrived through my letterbox!

Also as a sideline I think I'm just very emotional and hormonal when pregnant - fair to say a little crazy and irrational!

Anyway, when J was born it was great. Labour started straightaway this time, no build up contractions.  My waters broke and the pain was very intense.  I still had a natural water birth, as had enjoyed the experience with N.  However this time due to the intensity, I wish I had the option of an epidural instead! When he was born, he went blue as had swallowed show and mecconium on his way out.  After a little kick start, J was fine but it was scary. He was so amazing and beautiful - how on earth could I ever had complained? We were going to name him Jonah after our lesson but decided to name him after what we had learnt - J's name means 'thankful' we were so blessed to have him and it really did not matter that he was a boy at all.  I think the thought of living in a house of all boys was scary but in reality it is great.  Children are such a great gift, it doesn't matter whether they are boys or girls.  God had really met with us through this, made me look at my motives behind having a family and made me realise exactly who is in control.

From 3 to 4

After B turned a year.  A couple of my friends had announced they were pregnant.  Although I couldn't imagine having another one at that point (as it wasn't that long ago that I started coping with being a mum) it did get me thinking. After the next few months, I enjoyed B more and more.  I had become a christian and now viewed life with purpose.  I was at the point where I was about to come off my medication and was feeling very broody.  We decided to try for our second child.

We conceived in the first month of trying.  I was so pleased as I suffered with no sickness and had instant bump.  I did have some weird cravings though - brown sauce and gherkin sandwiches.  I also really wanted bacon, which as I was a vegetarian, was very annoying. 

Emotionally, pregnancy was hard.  B was into everything and although I only worked part time I could not rest, as had an active toddler to chase around.  In fact work was more restful.  I had so many worries with this pregnancy.  I could not indulge in afternoon naps or eat whatever I fancied (as I had a toddler who would also want to eat it, and I wanted him to eat healthily). I had food poisoning at 10 weeks, B had parvo virus/measles and there was no record I was immune.  This can be fatal to a pregnancy.  Thankfully after some blood tests it showed I did have immunity and that I had not contracted the virus.  I also had bleeding at 22weeks, which was very scary, as thought it was all over.  On top of that, I was worried about having another boy, if I could breastfeed, if the baby would suffer with colic again.  I was worried about about how I would juggle the 2 of them and whether I would love them the same.  Having experienced a newborn before, I had more worries this time.  Yet through all of this, God met with me.  I went through cleansing streams, which helped counsel me through some of the issues I had.  Also I was given a word - That God would restore the crops that the locusts had eaten.

When N was born, it was amazing.  I had the natural water birth and labour was only 6 hours (after 12 hours of practise contractions).  He was not tongue tied and he did not have colic.  He was such a happy content baby.  I enjoyed him from the start.  I did not suffer with PND and there was no grey cloud over his birth.  I felt such love for him.  In fact I quickly learnt that love multiplies and its not divisible.  All the worries I had when pregnant had gone.  I was only able to breastfeed for a couple of days as his weight plummeted and he was not thriving on my milk.  I did feel guilty about this, but its better to have a healthy formula fed baby than back to hospital and no baby.

Life I found was easier with 2 children.  There is 2years and 3 months between B and N. B was such hard work that having N made me take time out.  It made me ignore some of his bad behaviours and concentrate on what had to be disciplined.  This meant he was not receiving my constant attention for all the bad things he did, which actually improved his behaviour as I rewarded the good.  He could also see that I was busy.  B loved N, he loved having the company of a sibling.  B loved to be helpful and be a big boy.  He enjoyed helping his brother and fetching nappies etc.  We lived in a small house so we were always together.  I also made a point of putting N down after feeds and playing with B so jealousy would not come into it.  We went out to lots of groups as B was still active and needed time to burn off energy.  I also learnt to sit on the floor with my legs dividing the activities so B could play his big boy games with me and at the same time N was occupied with age suitable toys.

Having N was easy, as I had learnt all about having a routine from B and it was easy to implement.  Life was busy though, entertaining an active toddler and looking after a baby.  B decided he wanted to be potty trained a few weeks after N was born, so that met with a few challenges but I really enjoyed these days.  I was tired, as with your first you can sleep when the baby sleeps, you don't realise how easy one baby is to look after until you have more.  There were still points of anxiety and days I would like to have cancelled but if I'm honest I had those days with just one and I had those days with no children. Even when they thought N had milk allergies and had to keep going to hospital with fresh stool samples, life was pleasurable.  N was fine when he was weaned and cut his tooth at 6 months. I really enjoyed the baby days with N and God was true to His word.  He restored what I felt I had lost out on with B.

Being a family of 4 felt great, it felt like we are a proper family now.

When 2 becomes 3

After we were married, a few months later we decided to try for a baby. We conceived the first month. I remember doing the test and lying in bed excited, nervous, hopeful yet fearful we might miscarry and couldn't wait to start growing a bump!

I think we were quite naive about what having a baby would mean to our lives, we were not prepared for our world to be turned upside down - yet it was so amazing.

At about 6 weeks in I had the most awful sickness and this continued right up to about 19/20 weeks.  I could not do anything without throwing up, at one point just sipping water would mean throwing up.  Also we did not have a scan until 19 weeks as I was considered too young to have a 12 week scan back then.  I think the sickness helped me to know it was 'real' as having a later scan.  I felt the baby move at 16 weeks and I remember buying my first pair of maternity jeans - I was so excited and I think the excitement is what got us through the early weeks of pregnancy.

We were in a one bed flat so needed to move, this was quite stressful as we decided to buy and it was a long process due to land registry having borderlines incorrect.  We ended up moving a month and a half before I was due.  We were so preoccupied with moving and just coping with being pregnant that we didn't necessarily read loads of baby books, we just figured we'd learn on the job.  Jons older sisters gave us their baby stuff so we didn't need to really buy anything.  I loved watching my growing body and indulged in resting, eating and planning the nursery.  I loved decorating and planning the schemes for our nursery.  I loved getting out all the little baby stuff and organising it all.  We were so excited to have the baby and had done all the classes.

The labour was really hard.  B was back to back and his heart rate kept dipping.  I had to be transferred by ambulance to a different hospital so I could be monitored.  The labour was really long and painful but B was delivered safely 29 hours after i started.  It was an amazing feeling of euphoria holding our newborn in our arms, such an overwhelming love.  He was perfect.

B was a difficult baby.  He was born tongue tied and eventually had the operation at 5 months.  He also had the horrendous colic and would scream for hours.  None of which I was prepared for.  I remember thinking I wanted a natural birth and wanted to breastfeed.  I had no idea that complications during labour and the intense pain would mean something else.  That breastfeeding would not be as simple and as easy as they claimed.  It was quite a shock to the system, yet I could hold and stare at him for hours in wonder.  Just like pregnancy where you notice every little twinge, we noticed and picked up on everything he did.  I couldn't imagine life without him or what life was like before.  Just like pregnancy the time seemed to pass really slowly as we just wanted the next stage to come (not in a horrible way but because we were so excited to see him grow).  I found the early baby stage very hard and I felt much more relaxed and enjoyed him more from 6months plus.  He was weaned and so feeding was no longer a battleground and he kept doing more and more things.  At this point, I had met a few more mums and had a good support network of friends close by.  I had PND with B and by now I was on the correct dose which made life easier to cope.

Family Planning

After L's dedication I have been thinking back to when he was first born.  My precious little new born so small and even though he's my 4th born child, so amazed by him. L was a much wanted child and addition to our family, we so cherish him, as we do all our children.  At the dedication a lady came up to me and asked where I was from.  She was surprised to find that both Jon and I are from the UK.  I'm not sure what country this lady was from, but she had always observed UK families as only having 1 or 2 children maximum.  She was amazed and thankful in our faith, that God would provide for our large family, in our culture. 

I don't really see us as having a big family but I guess by our cultures standards we do.  I always wanted to have 3 children.  I hated growing up as a 2 child family and always felt there was something missing.  After our third child we passed our baby bits on and decided that would be our family.  I remember Jon saying to me, no more and when I held my newborn, I would be so tearful, although in agreement.  It was a really busy time having 3 children aged 3 and under.  We also decided to buy a bigger house and it needed renovating.  I don't remember a lot about having J as a baby, as we were so busy.  Different tradesman in and out, the time passed quickly.  When J was about a year our hearts had softened towards having another child.  We felt we had missed out on our baby and that God was calling us to have more children...

As for future children... well we have cleared out the baby bits again.  This time I did not cry at the thought of having no more children.  I am so thankful to be a mother and I don't think that we will have anymore but I know God can change our hearts and is the giver of life, so we shall have to wait and see over time.

Dedication Day

Well its mothers day and my boys were very excited to bring me their cards and gifts.  They had made some gorgeous cards (with the help of school/playschool) and even made me a heart out of their Lego bricks.  They made me (with daddy's help) a lovely cup of tea (Last year I had yucky soggy cereal and advised Jon steer them away from this and a tea would be great!) I loved how excited they were to show me what they had made and to give lots of cuddles and kisses! Jon had done a great job in teaching our sons how to show appreciation with joy.  Jon even got me a card to say what a great mother he thought i was - It is great to be appreciated.  I know some people think of mothers day as just commercialism but I think its good to show people you appreciate them - and living in a house full of men, its easier for them if its an official day.

I woke up feeling really excited as L was being dedicated today! We do not christen our children as believe baptism is a commitment that you should make when you are older and of your own choice.  The dedication is when we declare our public commitment, along with the help of the church, to raise our children up to know God.  Everyday is a dedication really, but its nice to have an official day to celebrate!

I had pale blue crosses and white themed table wear and had made a pretty cake - I know as my sons grow older they never request a pretty cake for special occasions so thought as he's too young to complain, a pretty one it will be.  Our extended families (parents, siblings and their spouses their children and an aunt & uncle) had travelled down to celebrate this special occasion.  They aren't Christians and do not attend any churches.  They felt really welcomed and loved the worship (music in their words).  They also commented on how friendly everyone was and how caring the church is.  They found some parts of the word hard to digest - but that led to discussion and left them thinking... 

Our Children

We have 4 very handsome boys - B who is 7, N is 5, J is 3 and L who is 9months.  Life is certainly an adventure! We both grew up with sisters so navigating around a house full of boys is new territory for both us!

We want to raise up our boys to be strong Godly men.  We want them to be courageous and adventurous for God and able to lead thier families (if God calls them to that).  We believe each child is a precious gift from God and we are so grateful to be parents. 

Having 4 children, people naturally assume we're trying for a girl or perhaps our TV is broke! Well, I can assure you our TV is not broken and we choose to have a bigger than average family regardless of what sex they turned out to be.  As much as we would both love a daughter, we love our sons and feel so blessed to have them.

My Husband

Well I thought I'd introduce us all!

Starting at the beginning of our family, I met Jon when I was in year 11 at school.  He asked me to marry him 7months into our relationship (yes, i had only just turned 17) and said Yes! I imagine lots of people had their doubts, as we were so young, but we knew what we wanted and it certainly didn't put us off.  We married 7 years later and are looking to celebrate 9 years of marriage this September.

 

We are both quite opposite but i think that is part of the attraction.  I'm chatty and can speak on the phone for hours, Jon is not, I'm tidy and Jon does not even notice mess, I'm creative and Jon is practical, I have lots of ideas and Jon is, well, practical! Together I think we have a balance. The qualities I admire in Jon is that he's very hard working, caring and truthful (no, I'm not the opposite in this).  What i mean by truthful, is that he is honest and searches out the truth in application to his faith.  He also has a great sense of humour and makes me laugh.  He is my best friend and I enjoy sharing life with him.  I love spending time with Jon and really enjoy snuggling up on the sofa together watching a romantic comedy (when i get to choose the film) and sharing a bag of minstrels or ice-cream!

We are very pro-marriage! I love it for so many reasons.  I enjoy discovering and learning more about my husband, through this I have learnt more about myself and our character has grown over the years. Now we are Christians we are also learning about Gods purpose for marriage and how our faith strengthens us in this. 

Please note, we do not have a 'perfect marriage' where everything goes swimmingly along with no cross words or disagreements.  We work together through the problems and differences.  Its worth working at and devoting time too. 

 

Life is really busy, we have been renovating our home for the past 3 years and have 4 young children to look after.  Our immediate family is not around so we work really hard at family life.  I am so thankful for our church family who help support us! In order to work at our marriage, we have 'date nights'.  Its not always easy to get a babysitter so we mainly do this at home.  Sometimes we'll make a special meal and eat/talk/drink whilst the kids are sleeping.  Other times we'll enjoy an evening of what we used to enjoy before we were married (TV and treats) or play games together.  When its hectic it maybe just meeting at lunchtime and chatting over a sandwich (it all counts). Time is a bit of a premium in our house, but as the children are so young they have an early bedtime which helps us to get adult time together.  It doesn't really matter what we do, just having time together and maintaining being best friends.

I remember being on honeymoon and beaming with delight at being called 'Mrs James' I still beam with delight at this now....  

Why Blog?

I am a busy wife to Jon and mother to 4 wonderful boys. As life is moving at such a fast pace, I thought I would start blogging on our family life as a memento into the journey of raising our family. 

I have been a christian for almost 7 years now, my husband 5 years, so we are both 'learning on the job' in raising up Godly men.  We are both still learning and growing in Christ ourselves, and believe we have the amazing privilege of parenting, so come and share on our journey, thoughts and experiences...