Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Our Heavenly Child

We had decided 3 was it for us, but slowly over time God revealed to us his plan and softened our hearts.  I remember thinking well not until J is a lot older.  I did not want to repeat just fitting in a baby into our lives but wanted to enjoy our next child.  That was when we were given a 'gift'. At the time, we thought of it more as an accident as we weren't planning on having another child yet.  We were both in shock and I felt almost embarrassed by it.  I am, after all, a grown woman, how can this happen?  Last time I viewed it straight away as a gift because we had wanted a baby at that time.  This time I am ashamed to admit, we did not see it like that, straight away.

I was in denial to begin with and then I felt really awful.  I remember being so tired and feeling sick at the weirdest times of day.  I felt different compared to previous pregnancies.  After a few more weeks, we begun to feel excited about the birth of number 4.  I just accepted that this pregnancy I was going to feel very tired and sick.  I had signed up to the pregnancy emails, planning our new addition in our heads.  I remember booking my midwife appointment and feeling why on earth had I been in denial, this is so great.  We had only told one close friend at the time as we needed time to get our heads around it all.  We wanted to be further along before we told everyone as that's what we had always done.  We were looking forward to being parents again.

At 8 1/2 weeks I started bleeding and we lost our baby at 9weeks. We were devastated.  I couldn't believe how much I needed to grieve for a baby that had never been.  It did not make logical sense.  However, our baby was very real to us and was a great loss.  I would look at my other children and feel so sad about what I had missed out on. I regretted not sharing the amazing news of being pregnant and not enjoying every moment of our precious child's life, even though it existed just in my womb.  I felt guilty for my initial feelings of our baby being an accident rather than thinking of a gift.  Also sadness that I still believed I was in control rather than God over the matter of having children. 

I needed support from friends and family, so we had to tell them of our sadness and never of the joy.  I just wanted to be back to normal and had no comprehension of how tired I would feel and that my body would need time physically to get over this.  I wanted not to feel sad over this but it took at least 3 months just to initially grieve.

I like to think that God loved our child so much, He wanted it back straight away and that its SO loved.  I still think about our child that is not here on Earth, but time has helped it become less painful to think back.  I still feel emotional around the time we lost our baby and when it was due.  My friend had a baby, around the time mine would have been due so seeing her baby does make me wonder what mine would of been like now.

When we had grieved for our loss and my body had returned back to normal, we conceived L.  It was such joy, although very scary but we made sure we shared the news with our families etc and everyone who supports us so whatever happened with our child, we would have memories of sharing the joy.  God certainly restores and I did cherish being pregnant with L, we are so thankful for him and for the chance to being parents again.

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