Autism awareness - My Children

I have written about our autism story and how he came to get the diagnosis on previous posts.  Please look under labels section - ASD Diagnosis.  It starts from 10 fingers and 10 toes. 

He is now growing into his own person and will be starting secondary school this September.  Since he has had his diagnosis - life has been a rollercoaster.  Some parts of this experience I am still healing from, which makes it difficult to write about.  I would love to have a 'and he got diagnosed, it was all clear what we had to do from then on, services were all to happy and easy to assist and we all lived happily ever after' story to write, but we don't.  It is much more a 'we fell down a rabbit hole, into a completely different world, everything we thought we knew or had hoped for, was turned upside down, we had to hunt for information for survival, perform various tasks and amazing gymnastic feats to get the help he desperately needed - a dream that you could not be woken up from' type of story.  That aside, it does not mean we don't have positives or happy tales along the way. 

 

My son is high functioning and as such has a diagnosis of Aspergers.  He is clever - I don't mean a every parent thinks their child is clever kind of way, I mean he is high achieving academically.  He attends a special school, so I think others tend to think 'he is a bit slow'.  He is not, he has levels that exceeds mainstream school expectations.  He is at a specialist school because he cannot cope in a mainstream environment.  There are not many schools for my child (because of his academic abilities) and we have been extremely blessed that he attends a specialist ASD school, which is also sponsored by the NAS (National Autistic Society). This has been a massive battle for us.  Specialist schools are not all the same and they are not automatically assigned to children who need them.  It has been a heart breaking journey, watching him struggle through mainstream, managing different professionals (out reach workers, behaviour support specialists, CAMHS, educational psychologists, paediatricians, consultants), statementing process, exclusions, battling with the authorities, paperwork, proving and disproving what he is and is not capable of, hunting down a school, home educating, contacting MPs... I have to say - It was completely worth the fight.  His school has transformed our lives. 

He feels good about being autistic, that it is a part of who he is and he does not want to change it.  He is in the right place for him.  His school is a great blessing! Life is not all rosy though, as he still has autism and we still face lots of difficulties because of it.  The school are brilliant at recognising the difficulties and helping him through it, teaching him in a way that helps him to learn - overcoming the barriers.  The plan is for him to continue here (just waiting on his EHCP - the new statement) even that is not as simple as it sounds.  We are still battling. 

 

I think our son does confuse others perceptions of disability.  He is clever, sporty, great sense of dry humour, he looks like any other child of 11 and he is very articulate but struggles greatly with communication.  This may seem contradictory but he finds it almost impossible to communicate his needs/feelings.  For example, he will not buy anything from a shop, as his anxiety levels of talking to someone he does not know about a need/want (ie to buy sweets) is too great, he would rather be hungry/thirsty or lost.  He also has other communication difficulties, even though he appears very articulate, his autism can often be overlooked or commented on as mild by others, at first glance because they do not have the in depth understanding about autism.  He finds other people really hard work, we do not conform to his perceptions - we are erratic.  Social functions are really draining for him.

He cannot cope with crowds of people.  He becomes extremely anxious about doing or going somewhere new, even though he wants to do it.  He is sensory sensitive.  Overloaded by tactile, noise, visual stimulus causes him pain - unmanageable pain.  He wants to avoid this pain, therefore he will do what he can to avoid or stop this pain.  It is often the lightest touch that causes him the most pain.  This worry (sensory pain) can also stop him from going somewhere new - it causes anxiety.  We have to follow routine, order and plan/manage in anything new.  Change is very scary because of his anxieties.  These anxieties, if not managed or ignored lead to meltdowns.  Meltdowns are not fun for anyone.  In his case, they can be dangerous, they have to be handled in the correct way to help.  Meltdowns are not always aggressive in ASD but for our son, they are.  Some days are bad days - we do not go out on these days.  Just because you have not seen him meltdown does not mean it doesn't happen. Plans have to change and that's just the way it is. 

Autism is not endearing like other disabilities may appear.  When my child is having a meltdown, no one has ever said 'oh look at that poor child, he is obviously not coping very well, his anxieties or fears have overtaken him, how awful for him to feel like this, that poor helpless child' People are scared and look disapprovingly at us.  They wonder why I am not being more angry, why I am not disciplining him, why I don't hit back, why I am being calm, etc, etc as my child is physically attacking me, biting, destroying whatever is around, running away/climbing or hurting himself.  We are judged - I see them staring out of the corner of my eye.  Honestly, I don't have time to care about them at that point, I do what I have to do, to calm my son down.  I speak in a certain manner and use sign language to not only help him but to try and show the audience gathering around us that there is more going on than they initially thought.  The triggers are not always obvious and I have to think quickly, I have to remain calm - I cannot add to his distress as it will make the situation worse.  I cannot discipline him out of a meltdown - it is not the same as a tantrum, we are not dealing with disobedience, this is not his choice, he hates this.  I cannot physically chastise him out of a meltdown - it is not a naughty behaviour or a case for showing who is stronger, I cannot (not that I ever would) scare him out of a meltdown - he has reached the point of his anxiety/fears overwhelming him so much, that he cannot cope with how his body is feeling and cannot process another feeling/word. It cannot be rushed through.  If I talk too much or give too many options, the situation will become worse, as he will not be able to process the information, let alone act on it - I have to be patient, I have to show empathy to him - he cannot see the situation from another's perspective (it is not possible for him to do this) but I can. 

I have to think big picture which can look to others like I just give in but I am not, I am thinking and prioritising what is the most important and what is it that ultimately needs to be achieved.  He is scared and I need to show control to help him through.  Once he has calmed down enough, I have to be vigilant as a tiny action/comment could lead us straight back to meltdown.  I remember reading, it takes at least 90 minutes and up to 3 days for the body to chemically recover from a meltdown.  I have been on courses and have learned the best way to deal with his meltdowns from professionals and have learnt from experience what works best for my son - I am not being too soft by dealing with him in this way, as others who just witness an aggressive child acting out may think.  Autism awareness is needed, as sometimes (granted not always) there is more going on when a child appears to be having an outburst.

I also have to consider the fact I have 3 other children, younger than him, so they are not old enough to look after themselves - this can make going out without an extra pair of hands foolish/dangerous.  As I said above, some days are bad days so planned events just won't happen and yes, it can be very disappointing for them as well as for me but their safety comes first.  This not only effects his siblings in terms of what we can do as a family, but this is what they see - this is their normal everyday life and it is hard for them.  It is hard for them that they maybe the target of his aggression, the stares from others, watching their mother get hurt, things being destroyed, seeing their brother so distressed, that the brother they love and play with, change so much in a meltdown and trying to understand what this is all about, as a child, when so many adults struggle with it.  It is hard for them.  Thankfully, we have learnt a lot along the years and not everyday is filled with meltdowns (there was a time when it was).  We may have to do things in a certain way, which can be restricting at times but it is better for all of us, to do so.  My son copes so much better now, than he used to and as he gets older and learns more coping strategies I am hoping the meltdowns will become less and change from the aggression.  His younger siblings are carers, without even realising it.  They have learnt to adapt, to stick together in a meltdown, when to get help, to have empathy for someone who cannot show it back, they see the stares too - they hear the comments, leant to care and to love. They learn this and more each day, to compromise, the disappointments, to deal with a stress that their peers do not face.  They are not responsible for any of their brothers care but they see the challenges and face them with him, as we are a family.

 

I don't want this post to be negative but wanted to highlight SOME of the difficulties he faces without being too revealing about him, as I appreciate he is growing up.  On first meeting my son, you may not notice or even think that he could possibly or have the difficulties I describe above - do not underestimate his autism.  Just because he does not necessarily fit a preconceived idea about autism, just because he is high functioning does not mean he is not profoundly affected by autism.  He would not be in a specialist ASD school if he was just a bit mildly autistic, they are not easy to come by.  I also don't want those with younger ASD children thinking or believing there is no hope - because there is!  The battles and the time we have put in, has been worth it, as over a long period of time we have conquered many things! This gives me hope for the future, that my autistic child may well grow up to be a successful happy adult.  By successful, I mean to live and function independently in the world. Here are some examples of the problems we used to face but now no longer...

 

• Would only eat from a red plate
• Sandwiches had to cut in 4 squares
• Had to eat sandwiches, a cheese and a yogurt everyday, regardless of the day ie Christmas
• Malties for breakfast only (he had this for years)
• Smearing pooh from his nappy (yuck)
• Eating weird stuff ie paint, slug
• Running off randomly
• Overly friendly to strangers (now we have the opposite)
• Climbing everything (he still does a bit of this but no where near the scale he used to)
• Escaping
• Turning on and off light switches/buttons
• Opening all cupboards and doors
• Obsessions have changed and morphed into new ones...
• Getting dressed (undressed fine)
• Not being able to be left in a room by himself (he said he felt like the room had eyes and would close in on him)
• Reading Thomas the tank engine books, over and over - and over again
• Looking at the periodic table, a lot!
• Moshi monsters!!!!
• A short trip to town/supermarket is now possible :)
• Climbing out of windows - whatever floor we were on
• Being constantly on the go
• Just lashing out (he will now give a verbal warning if you are doing something he needs to stop)
• Following instructions
• Helping and doing something for others (still a work in progress but will do it)

Autism Awareness

So this week, is autism awareness week and April is autism awareness month.  The aim is to raise awareness of what autism is, in the hope that it will increase understanding and acceptance. 

 

I am a mother of an autistic child. I often refer to it as ASD - meaning Autistic Spectrum Disorder and depending on when you got your diagnosis, it could also be known as ASC, HF (high functioning) Autism, Aspergers and there are probably more names out there... 

It is a life long developmental brain disorder. The brain is typical but how it 'wires up' is different.  It is a life long disability meaning there is no cure.  It is a spectrum disorder meaning that each person with ASD is different - how it affects them will differ and how much that impacts on their everyday life will differ but they all have difficulties in 3 main areas - social interaction, social imagination and social language.  It is also widely believed that they all have sensory impairments.  I think that this is even being considered as part of the diagnostic criteria.  This means that how they interpret information gathered by the body's senses is different to how typical people receive this information.  My son also has a diagnosis of Sensory Integration Dysfunction and modulation difficulties, otherwise known as Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) - again it depends on when/who diagnosed.  Confused yet? It can seem pretty confusing, I am used to the initials but it does take a bit of time getting used to it all and I am part of it.  I can imagine it is hard for those with no knowledge to really understand it all.  I believe (now) all diagnosis are named Autism - regardless of where you appear on the spectrum. For more information click here 

The cause of autism is yet unknown.  It is believed a possible genetic factor perhaps even combined with environmental factors. My husband and I often wonder if it is genetic... (AKA 'that is soooo you' discussions) so when I came across a blog with an Autism Spectrum Quotient test, we thought it would be fun to take it. Click here if you would like to read and try. Please note this test in itself does not give you a diagnosis.

 

I had absolutely no clue or desire to know about autism or any disability until I had to - my sons diagnosis.  To be honest if there was an indication that my son had a disability when I was pregnant (which was before I became a Christian) the chances of termination would have been high.  I didn't hate disabled people, I just had no experience, understanding and no knowledge. Which I guess equated to fear and exclusion, hence believing there would be no way I could raise a child with disabilities.  I didn't really give any thought to disability at all.  I believed how disability was portrayed in the media, as I had no other sources.  I think I thought subconsciously, they were different and lived in a different way to the rest of us.  Whilst I thought I had compassion for them - yes they should be entitled to help and anything else they needed, the thought is where it ended - I didn't really want to be part of their world or learn about it. 

More and more people are being diagnosed with autism, and they can't be segregated from the rest of the world. We are all in this together, therefore awareness is needed to stop the judgements, the segregation, take away the fears and instead increase acceptance and understanding.  This is 'our' world.

I now think differently - I have seen how difficult the world can be through my sons eyes, and my heart breaks for him.  I now have so much more compassion for those with special/additional needs/disabilities.  Autism is an invisible disability - it is not obvious at first glance.  This makes it hard/unwilling for some people to accept that there is anything wrong.  It is a developmental disorder so as a baby, he was just like any other baby, but as he has developed - he has grown in a different way.  As it is invisible and as it is a spectrum disorder, it is hard for people to put them all in one neat little box - each autistic person is different, therefore some find it hard to accept it exists at all.  Some people find it difficult to accept as 'it wasn't around in my day' well it was, it just wasn't as well known.  Also it was only recognised in the last century and as awareness spreads, older people are now also being diagnosed.  In the past, they may have been segregated or labelled differently.  The rate of infant mortality was higher and often children like this, were taken and raised in homes so they would have not been seen.  From our family tree, my granddad had forgotten about a sister he had.  She had epilepsy, so at a very young age she was taken to live in a home, where she spent her whole life.  Others just see the behaviours and decide it is down to parenting or the child choosing to be difficult.   Awareness is needed to change perceptions and accept that autism does exist, it is very real.  Some people do not like to refer to autism as a disability.  However, our experience is that it is disabling. It impacts all our lives.

Over this week, I will blog some more about what our lives are like living with autism.

 

 

Preparing for Easter

2 weeks time is the big day - Easter! So todays blog post is about how we prepare for Easter as a family, in our house.  For some Easter maybe seen as a chance to catch up with family/friends, indulge in chocolate, a break or get a DIY project done over the long weekend. For us, it is the pinnacle point of our faith!  We believe that Jesus is the son of God, completely perfect and spotless, who died as a sacrifice for our sins, who then conquered death and rose again.  Because we believe Jesus is, who He says He is, we remember, reflect and celebrate him.

 

There are many different ways to celebrate Easter, starting from pancake day, lent or the Holy week.  We want to get the kids excited about Easter and for them to realise it is not just about chocolate (as commercialism would like us to believe) but an important part of our identity.  Whilst I would love to do the whole of lent, during this current season, it has just been too busy.  I am sure this will change over the years but for now this is where we are at.  Our children are aged 11, 9, 7 and 4.  We have to pitch it to keep their attention and for everyone to feel included.  We did do pancake day and we discussed lent as a family.  We have been reading through the book of John together as a family for our morning devotions.  I do believe we are free to choose to do lent or not, we are not bound by legalism.  We start focusing on Easter, 2 weeks before the big event, as we want them to be excited (not bored with it all) and to give them enough time to reflect and think about it all. 

 

We do an egg countdown (a bit like our advent calendars).  I used an old egg box and some plastic eggs from Poundland.  In each egg is scripture, which will tell the account of Jesus leading to his resurrection and a mini chocolate egg for each child.   This is our morning bible time.  The children will take turns opening the egg, finding the passage in the bible and reading it aloud.  Last year we made a tree out of sticks/branches and I cut out egg shapes.  During this time, the younger ones could colour in the egg shapes and the older ones would draw a picture/symbol of what we were discussing.  We also made an Easter banner so if it was not their turn to colour an egg, they could colour in a character (I do have 4 boys and keeping still to listen, does not always come naturally, so a planned distraction helps).  After we had read and discussed the passage, we would then pray and hang the egg on the tree.  This is what we did last year as Easter fell at the end of the school holidays, so we made the most of the 2 weeks beforehand. 

 

 

 

This year, Easter is before they have the break, so as we do not have oodles of time before the school run, we will not do the tree and the crafts.  After breakfast, we will open the egg, read the scripture, discuss, pray and eat the chocolate.  It will probably take between 5-10mins depending on questions etc.  We choose to read the bible verses rather than the stories as this is more appealing to our older children and as we then discuss what we have read, it helps the youngest to understand.  At the weekends, we have more time and we will do a family Easter craft together.  I enjoy  purposefully making memories with the children.  Sometimes it goes well, other times it does not - either way, it doesn't matter as the goal is to make memories of spending time together as a family. 

 

Today we kicked off the celebrations by making an Easter garden in the pot by our front door.  I have also bought some Easter themed craft projects which we can do at the weekends together.  Todays project is to sew a Jesus, a cross and a palm leaf. So that is how we start to prepare in the lead up to Easter...

 

Our Easter countdown readings:

 

Genesis 3:1-19

Genesis 22:1-14

Exodus 12:21-30

Luke 2

Luke 3

John 2: 1-11

John 11

Matthew 21:1-11

John 2:12-25

John 12:1-11

Matthew 26

Matthew 27

Nothing (We leave the egg empty, so that the boys can have empathy about what it would have been like not to have Jesus)

Matthew 28

 

We read the children's NIV translation.

 

Valentines Day!

Almost Valentines Day and the shops are filled with hearts, cards with overpriced chocolates and flowers.  Restaurants are smiling as they get to charge extra and can expect increased bookings as couples head out for a night of romance. Pretty much everything red, pink or has a heart on it can expect an increase of profit.  This one day of the year, males feel obliged to show their love in romancing their other halves by purchasing the above gifts, all wonderfully presented to you by the power of consumerism.  This year though, we have the release of '50 shades of Grey' in the cinema, so instead of being just about romance, it can now be all about sex too - who's having the best sex and what can be purchased in order to help facilitate it.  This year there seems to be an increase in the amount of sex cards for Valentines.  I was shocked when I went into card factory and saw that display.  I will not be purchasing a 'you make me so wet' card for my husband - its not that I don't want to have sex with my husband, I just don't want that conversation with my children or have that displayed on the side in my house for any guests/family that may visit!  Apparently even B&Q/DIY stores are prepping their staff in the sales of cable ties and duct tape as the new romantic gift and are looking forward to welcoming in 'the 50 shades inspired' customers.

 

Whilst I may come across as cynical or you maybe thinking 'oh her husband doesn't get her a card' I actually like Valentines day.  I am happy to have any excuse to show my husband and children that I love them! Last year, I gave each of my boys a little poem and chocolates and my husband a card and gift too.  I want our children to see that we love each other and them too.  I am equally delighted when I receive flowers, chocolates, well any gifts of affection.  I appreciate the thought and the time that goes into it.  I include my children in Valentines day as to me it is about love.  If Valentines day is about sex/romance for you, then I can understand that it may seem weird to include your children.  This is the perception I used to have but as I get older, I learn more about love.  I want them to feel loved and know how treasured they are in a non sexual way - that they do not need a girlfriend in order to experience love or be loved.  I want them to see their dad love me and vice versa, in a romantic, treasured way throughout our marriage.  I would hate for them to think of love as just sex and that romance is just for new relationships. Who knows, in a few years time maybe one of them will blog about their mum being weird and getting them valentines stuff!

 

It is important to love one another everyday, however I don't always show it in the big gestures.  I get caught up in the everyday and I show my love for them in the little things (they may not always see it) but this is the love that counts - the building blocks.  I am there for them, I 'do' for them, I am there for the happy, sad, telling off, joyful, the mundane times.  I don't spontaneously buy/do love gifts for them on a day to day basis (gifts are not my love language).  Therefore, I find it easier to be purposeful (ie bigger gestures) on set days ie Valentines or anniversaries.  So whilst I have heard and no doubt will see status about how consumerist/empty it all is, that we shouldn't be told to be romantic/love as then it is meaningless, actually sometimes I need this and I am not ashamed to admit it.  It does not mean I don't love them or that I will be buying all the stuff but it does mean I will be taking some time out to think about the ones I love, what their love language is and how I can show them I love them this weekend. 

This year, I am planning on keeping it simple, as have not been too well recently.  For the boys, I will give them each a piece of scripture, just for them with an affirming note along with some chocolate (if you have met my boys, you know that they always appreciate food) and for my husband, a card, put the kids to bed early, a relaxed dinner for us with a nice bottle of wine...

Happy Valentines!! xxx

Now the children are all at school...

So all 4 children have started school, I should have loads of time now to get on and pursue the things I have wanted to do... well this is what I thought, but it turns out, that's not the case.

I thought when all the boys started school I would have some time to get on with my projects, write regular blog posts, do running/look after myself, start hobbies, be up to date with all the house work, bible studies, reading, have time for myself and be able to give more to others.  In reality this didn't work out as I thought - infact that is quite a list when I jot it all down.  Seasoned mothers would tell me to enjoy this time, take time for yourself and read a book or two - I agreed and thought that this is what I would do.  For the past 11 years I have been in full force of growing, caring, raising and prioritising babies/small children, learning about their disabilities, parenting on a different journey, as well as, being their advocate.  I wanted to use the first term of adjusting to this new season. I didn't want to take on any new commitments but have time to consider before I leapt.  However, life has been quite busy and I have just been so swept up in it all, that this time to consider just hasn't happened. 

It is like I forgot all about the fact that I am a mother to 4 children - 3 of whom have special/additional needs and at times very challenging needs. I forgot how much time the school run/picks up took (4 in 3 different places), how much time I spend preparing and attending appointments for their needs, looking after the home on a day to day basis (let alone think about a full spring clean) and how much energy I needed at the end of the day for when they all came home.  I was under an illusion that I would have all this free time with L at school. That suddenly this new chapter meant that all the other things would disappear and I would be trying to work out what to do for 6 hours a day!  Don't get me wrong, it is much easier to do all these things without also entertaining or organising a sitter for a little one.  My perception when they were all at school, is that life would be easier and in some ways it is. However, I would describe it like a conveyer belt - as soon as one thing is mastered it falls off the end and something new emerges... For example, when they are younger, they may move from walking to running, then its time to tackle toilet training (in our house it appears obedience seems to stick to the belt so we often have to re-tackle this issue...) It is mainly physical when they are younger and as they get older it becomes more emotional ,which is draining in a completely different way. As my children have gotten older they are more independent but due to disabilities/needs, they are behind their peers in a few areas and need extra help in doing the ordinary, that others don't see - so we still have a fair amount of physical alongside the emotional.

I know that there are people who have just as many children, with perhaps just as many needs - who perhaps also work but I think it comes down to your capacity of what you can handle and the courage to accept it.  I need to have flexibility to go to and prepare for appointments and meetings.  I need flexibility to manage my time so if we are having draining episodes I have some down time to recover - being a carer can be tough.  I need energy to manage the school pick ups (which are not always very straightforward), energy for after school to be able to help them organise themselves for tomorrow, do reading/homework, afterschool clubs (which they need to help them develop/build up muscles), follow sensory diets/programs, make dinner and manage a conversation or 2 for when my husband comes home! I also need my house to be tidy, otherwise I can't cope. I (reluctantly) need to do exercise each week or my mental health suffers.  I think because my list of 'have to do's' can be quite large, I don't have time to do all that I had hoped this season would bring. I lost my way in appreciating the fact I now have the time to do the 'have to do's' without rushing through or stressing.
 

Basically, I just put too much pressure on myself to achieve everything and be a super woman/wife/mother in this new season without even realising it.  I like and long for everything to be perfect and in my life - it hasn't been - Life did not go to 'My Plan'. I think on some levels, I thought now was finally that time to achieve it all.  In the back of my mind I think I stored up phrases such as 'when they are all at school I will be able to do ---' and expected to complete all of them in that first term.  Whilst I was able to do some of the things I wanted to do, I didn't enjoy it as I was thinking about everything else that I also wanted to do and hadn't achieved.  As I have been raising little ones for the past 11 years, I built up quite a list!  This perfection trap is something I so easily fall into time again but life isn't perfect, its actually quite messy.  I hadn't even realised that is where I was, until the New Year and was feeling fed up.  I knew I had some important meetings coming up but I needed to release the pressure I had put on myself - so time to restock, learn the lessons and move forward.  The best way to do this, is time in prayer and reading Gods word.  I am a 'planner' and enjoy achieving things and checking off lists but I think this season I need to just be still and let God guide me through, enjoy the moments of calm and find my new rhythm.

So if you are wondering what life is like for me with all 4 at school - its pretty much the same, I just don't have my little companion with me (whom I miss) and therefore I can spend a bit more time doing what I was doing before, to help our family life run a little smoother...

 

Feeling Treasured

New Year, new post and yes it has been a while since my last post...

 

I have written before about how we celebrate different occasions and thought I would write about how we do the 'grown up' birthdays!

 

The grown ups (being Jon and I) birthdays are just before and just after Christmas.  We have always put in lots of effort for the children's birthdays.  I find it quite easy to be thoughtful and creative for them. Its easier to find a theme and plan parties, buying toys (which are packaged in large boxes) somehow feels more satisfying.  Its exciting to feed off their energy as they look forward to 'their' day. I love being a mother and enjoy marking the occasion of when it all began.  Also that feeling of pride - yes we've parented through another year! I am noticing this gets a bit harder as they get older, as their desires become less but more expensive. 

 

I am not really sure when it happened but as I became older and more children arrived birthdays became less special.  When I was younger, I really looked forward to my birthday with anticipation and excitement.  My parents did a great job at making us feel special.  We were not spoilt with lavish gifts but it was the 'feeling' that I loved and wanted to pass onto my children. 

 

I liked having a winter birthday. It meant I always had money to go out in the sales and if I wished for snow to fall, it sometimes did! As I got a bit older it became a bit more painful as no one wanted to go out (as it's the week after New Years) and no one had any money (again the week after New Years and it was just Christmas).  Then somewhere along motherhood it became put on the side.  I became a bit frustrated with the effort I would put in for them and my own would be forgotten, to the point where I didn't really look forward to it anymore as I would find it disappointing.  I appreciate that this may sound really selfish and no, I don't give to receive but it got to this point. I would receive gifts but it felt like duty, there would be birthday cake (or I would have to go out and get it under the guise of well you can choose the one you want), we may have even gone out but it felt like something we had to get through rather than an expression of love.  I felt un-treasured and taken for granted by my family, whom I love with all my heart. 

 

I wondered what message this sent to our children - did I want my sons to learn that this is how you treat your wife, that when you became older you didn't matter anymore and you just go through the motions to appease others? that birthdays are only for children? If that was it, I would rather just have my birthday in private, as it felt like everything I was trying to achieve in expressing love to my children on the day they were born was being wiped out by the way we chose to celebrate as adults.  Jon and I had a 'discussion' and decided we would raise our game at each others birthdays.  I have to say the last couple of years Jon and the boys have done amazingly well at making me feel treasured on my birthday and I hope Jon would say the same.

 

Jons birthday is in December and I set about a plan to bless him, spent time thinking about what would make him happy an what he would appreciate.  He would always talk about how we wanted the decorations up after his birthday.  I always want to put them up 1st December but this year I thought I would give him what he wanted - after doing this, it turns out he actually does like them up before but we would agree not to discuss or do anything Christmassy on his birthday.   I made him a chocolate birthday cake, bought him some presents and the boys made him cards.  The kids went to school and we had a day together! (Jon took a day holiday) It was great to have some grown up time together. We all celebrated together in the evening with a take away.  It was a chilled out relaxing day - just what Jon loves.  At the weekend we went out to a restaurant and celebrated with family members.

 

For my birthday, it was Sunday and I was on worship team so it meant I had to be up and out the door early, so Jon had prepared a special breakfast for me on Saturday (I love breakfast and he prepared waffles with fresh fruit - my favourite).  After church Jon and the boys had turned the dining room into a restaurant KFDs.  N was my waiter and they had made menu cards. Jon can't cook so it was chicken pieces from the hot counter at Waitrose with crisps and chocolate bites/rocky road pieces from M&S for afters.  The waiter took my order via his remote control car and it was fun.  It was really special as they all got involved and played a part. I received presents and cards, a cake (also from Waitrose) and he had organised a sitter in the evening so we went out to Yo Sushi for dinner.  I really like sushi and really appreciated all their efforts. I felt treasured and it was good to see my family working together whilst having fun with it.  I hope these memories stay with them and that they will build on them when they have their families. So that's how we do the grown up birthdays!

Summer, Autism and Westpoint!

I am so thankful to have had my husband off for 3 weeks of the summer holidays.  We have spent 2 of our weeks off, going on lots of day trips and making memories as a family together. It has flown by and its been so nice re-connecting together. 

 

Our last week together, we went to Westpoint, camping with our church family, as our holiday.    To someone who is not used to this, I would describe it like a festival, just under 4000 people gathering but with Jesus at the centre! There is lots going on to cater for a wide range of people and interests.  Morning and evening meetings with great teaching (you can select what you are interested in through the seminars) and worship times (big bands performing rock Christian songs).  The children are well catered for in their groups which are separated into age ranges, including a youth program as well as a special needs group (the ark).  The afternoons were filled with even more activities ie nature walks, street dancing, cooking etc or sports events or you could peruse the many stalls, inflatable parks or just chill out with friends. Our church catered for us, so we all ate together and for me it was a really nice break from cooking.  My husband has many talents but cooking is not one them. I have come back feeling really refreshed and ready to embrace the start of the next season. I can't believe I feel this way after being camping! I would say this is all down to God answering our prayers that Westpoint would be successful for us.

 

The last time we went to Westpoint was 2012 and it was a negative experience for us, so I was really nervous going back again. In fact just going on holiday for us is really hard.  My son really does not like the change in routines, so our last family holiday (also in 2012) was really negative and we haven't been away (just us) since. Last year, we went away for a couple of days at a theme park with my parents and my sister and her family and we enjoyed that so we are slowly healing from the 2012 experience and decided we would try Westpoint again.  I am also the type of character that doesn't like to be defeated so I wanted to go back and face it. Lots of prayers prayed :)

 

How we did each day - We didn't sign up to every organised event or try to attend every meeting.  If we had approached it this way I think we would have been frustrated with one another and perhaps been overwhelmed by it all.  We took a flexible approach to each day and it worked well for us.  I had 2 children attend the ark and they both loved it. Admittedly, one of them bolted over the fence as soon as I left the tent but the staff worked with him, there was no big panic (not on the outside of their faces) and all was well.  That was the first and last time he did that, as he enjoyed it so much.  That in itself, is quite an achievement for him.  My other child didn't want to leave all the sensory equipment and really enjoyed hanging off the big bouncy equipment.

 

The afternoons we kept flexible too.  My boys really enjoyed playing nerf gun wars or football with the other boys from our church. We did some scheduled activities but they also really liked meeting up with their old friends from our previous church. 

 

The evenings, we attended the worship together then would get the younger boys to bed.  The older boys could stay up a bit later and enjoyed playing uno/card games with their friends.  There was evening groups for the older children but by that point in the day my older ones were not up for that.  Once they were in bed, we chatted with friends.  The meetings I went too, I really appreciated.  The teaching was really good and inspiring. I found the evening meetings didn't work too well for me as I was too tired to concentrate but I really enjoyed the morning bible sessions and a choice of seminar or extra worship. I was really blessed by this. Doing less meetings helped me to focus on the messages I did hear.

 

I loved seeing the boys make their own entertainment and no minecraft/electronic games were played! I loved listening to my little boys in their sleeping pod discussing their day and what they had enjoyed, snuggling up to one another.  It wasn't all perfect happy families, but we expected that and would have either quiet time in our tent or take a child off for some space.  At the end of Westpoint the kids (and us) are really looking forward to going again next year!