Baby Days... Breast Feeding Part 1

I remember holding my newborn in my arms, such a precious special loving moment.  I remember thinking I want to do everything I possibly can for him. He was so perfect...

I decided that I wanted to breast feed my children.  I went along to the antenatal classes and took notes about breastfeeding.  The NHS is very pro breast feeding and I remember coming away thinking why would anyone not choose to breastfeed? I was so looking forward to doing it.  I wanted to breast feed because I wanted to do what was best for my baby - Breast is Best! Is the slogan that you always hear when pregnant.  The health benefits for baby and mother are amazing.  However it turns out, not quite as easy as they make out - well at least not for me.  For something that is natural, it is really hard.  Before you have a child, you can think - well if it doesn't work out I'll just use formula but its not that simple, as your body is filled with hormones. Also there is a lot of pressure to get it right straight away, breast feeding is not something you can choose to do later on when you've recovered from giving birth.  Breast or bottle feeding is such a heated debate among new mothers.  I feel as though I should call a lawyer first before I write my story... I'm not sure why us mums do this to one another but I think we all feel passionately about our children and we want to make the best choices for them.  We find like minded mothers and we unite, hence the sides...

Well after B being born, he would not latch on.  At first we thought it was due to the labour.  I had lots of midwives try and when he did it felt like razor blades were shooting out! They were taking blood sugar samples on B, as they were so worried about his lack of feeding.  I was in hospital for quite a few days whilst we tried to work this out.  B was tongue tied.  I had never heard of this before. Basically the front of his tongue was attached, creating a snake like effect.  This meant he could not lick and therefore could not latch.  Formula feeding was the way forward.  I felt so guilty and felt like I failed him at less than a week old.  It was horrible, surrounded by pro breast feeding posters and mothers, the guilt really sank in.  I remember meeting other mums breastfeeding, and they talked about the joy of it and how good it was for the baby and it made me feel worse.  I really loved my baby and so wanted to do what I felt was the right thing to do, but he just wouldn't do it.  He was not very good at bottle feeding either and eventually had the operation at 5months to his tongue.  I also met a mother who had breastfed her tongue tied baby and had said it had been very difficult at first, but persevered.  I think this made me feel as though I gave up too early and should have been more persistent. I felt even more guilty than I had before.  I decided with my next baby I would definitely do it and it would be different.

When N was born, he was not born with tongue tie - I was so pleased!  He could latch on. It hurt but settled down after 10 seconds.  When N was born he was incredibly sleepy and showed no real interest in feeding.  He only fed for a short amount of time with a lot of coaxing.  It was really worrying.  I was assured this was all normal.  However a few days later at home, N was weighed and his weight had plummeted.  The midwife was worried as he had lost more than 10%. We had to wake him up 3 hourly to feed. I was told to express, feed him, then top him up with formula and if no improvement we would go back to hospital following day.  I was so worried and stressed. N would not feed.  My milk came in and I was too engorged.  We gave him a bottle and he lapped it down.  I then felt guilty that I was so keen to persevere with breastfeeding that my poor baby was suffering and was desperately hungry.  We decided to then formula feed as I didn't want to go back to hospital.  It was a really hard decision, as I really wanted to do it but I didn't want to make my baby poorly.  It was not an easy decision to make and I really wrestled with it, but at this point I really wanted my baby to be well.  However, as the weeks went on I started to feel guilty again and wished perhaps if only i had tried harder...

When J was born, he needed a little kick start so was not interested in feeding to begin with.  I felt dubious about breast feeding this time but there is something about those pregnancy hormones that makes you throw out all the logic and made me want to try again.  I did persevere with the feeding but J was not interested.  The midwife said to me - well you can't make him feed.  I wasn't prepared to starve him out so I topped him up on formula but always offered the breast first.  I spent lots of time, skin to skin but he wasn't having it.  I became so engorged that I was developing a fever and could hardly move my upper body.  It was the begining of infection.  This was the last straw and decided to bottle feed. I felt relief, although I wanted to feed, I really wanted to get in a routine with 3 children close in age and I knew what I was doing with formula feeding. I didn't feel as guilty this time round, probably as I was just too busy! Each baby I had learnt a little more about breast feeding and had got a little further along...

Part 2, tomorrow